[Dingle-Dingle]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV ​when I heard my G/F's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup. I was talking to the Dog." ​

DD

[BBB]

A lion was in its enclosure at Dudley zoo, basking in the sun and licking its bum.
"That's a very docile animal," a visitor remarks to the keeper.
"Not at all" says the keeper, "that lion is the most ferocious beast in the entire zoo. Just one hour ago, the lion grabbed a dirty Dingle supporter, sadistically toyed with him at length and then completely devoured him.
"That's difficult to believe," said the bewildered visitor, "why is he just sitting there ignoring us and licking its arse then?"
"Poor bastard is trying to get the taste out of his mouth"
replied the keeper.

DD    

This one I liked -still laughing/

[Dingle-Dingle]

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the G/F were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

DD

[BBB]

GREATSTUFF!

[Dingle-Dingle]

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

DD