[Dingle-Dingle]

Two Aliens talking.......

1st Alien... "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite based nuclear weapons".

2nd Alien "Are they an emerging intelligence"?

1St Alien.... "I don`t think so. They have them aimed at themselves".

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Little Johnny arrives home to find his mother and father having sex.
“Whatcha doin’ Dad?”
“We’re playing Crib, and your mother’s my partner. Get downstairs.”
Little Johnny goes downstairs to the living-room to find his sister and boyfriend on the sofa deeply engrossed in sexual intercourse.
“Whatcha doin’ Sis’?”
“We’re playing crib, and my boyfriend’s my partner. Get outside.
Little Johnny goes out to the garden shed, where he finds his Grandfather masturbating.
“Whatcha doin’ Grandpa?”
“I’m playing crib.” Replies Grandpa.
“Where’s your partner?”
His grandfather replies,
“When you’ve got a good hand, you don’t need a fuckin' partner!”

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I have already broken 6 out of my 5 New Years resolutions. DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Honestly. You go to all the trouble of getting your G/F a Valentines card.

But Oh No. That`s just not good enough for some reason. Women.....


   

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three £1 coins to the bartender the guy throws 30 10p`s behind the counter.
The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a £5 note.
The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business " and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the £5 note.
The bartender goes to the till to get the change, but instead of taking out two £1 coins, he takes out 20 10p`s and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says: " there is your f*cking change!"
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out another 10 10p`s, throws them behind the counter and says: "Gimme another beer!"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I feel a spree coming on.

It`s either shopping, or killing.

I haven`t decided............... Yet.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I found our dog with next doors pet rabbit in his mouth.
Dead, all chewed up, muddy, it was horrible. Not wanting to fall out with them I got it off the dog and gave it a bath, blow dried the fur and sneaked into their garden and put the rabbit back in its hutch, I thought they'd find the dead rabbit and think it'd passed away from natural causes.
A few days later, I saw John on the drive, he said I should watch out because there is some weird shit going on at the moment. "What do you mean?" I asked
"Well, did you hear that Fluffy died?"
"Um... no...shame, what happened?"
"We found him dead in his cage one day, but the thing is that the day after we buried him, some sick barsteward had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the hutch."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.!"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F said she would leave me if I went fishing on Valentine`s day........

I left at 4 am so I didn`t have to help her pack.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was late getting to my first Fight Club last night so I missed the introduction and the rules.

Still Fight Club was brilliant and I will be recommending Fight Club to everyone. DD