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Been slacking for a bit so here goes nothing.........
A man walked into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouted, "Who's been screwing my G/F?"
A voice at the back shouted, "You don't have enough bullets."
My G/F just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your boobs cover it," wasn't the answer she was looking for.
A Liverpudlian went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the corner shop and asks the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies, "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Vanilla or a Chocolate?"
My mother-in-law is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help." So I sent her a timetable.
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.
Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell.
DD 
Ubique.
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According to "Tetley", the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.
So every morning I slap her backside and say.... "Two sugars, Fatty"
DD 
Ubique.
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I`m trying to give up using sexual innuendo`s..............
But it`s hard....... So hard.
DD 
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We all know in this weather and at this time of the year we should keep an eye on our vulnerable and old neighbours.
Well my neighbour is well selfish. Even though she is 86. She hadn't checked on me once. And the lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for four days.....>>>>>
DD 
Ubique.
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes
back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I
swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
DD 
Ubique.
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Why is it when I tell my G/F she`s a treasure, She thinks I`m trying to bury her?? DD 
Ubique.
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The G/F asked me at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
I declined. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," I said. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked me if I would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a chee...se sandwich?"
I declined. "The Viagra," I said, "It’s really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if I wanted anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
I declined again. "No," I said, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving!!.....>>>>>
DD 
Ubique.
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A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local dole office to pick up his Giro.
He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing dole. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”
The social worker behind the counter said:
“Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-shittin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well… You started it…. “
DD 
Ubique.
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How to prepare Tofu.........
Step 1, Throw it in the bin.
Step 2, Grill some meat.
DD
Ubique.
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There are two ways of arguing with a Woman...........
Neither of them works.
DD 
Ubique.
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