[Dingle-Dingle]

A policeman pulled me over last night.

He said "You have no tax, your rear tyre is completly flat, you have a can of lager in your hand and you are not wearing a seatbelt".

I said "I`ll see you tomorrow then".

"What`s that supposed to mean?" He asked.

I said "Hang on a minute pal..... I`m on the phone!!"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Naughty naughty.

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My ex-wife has a tattoo of a poppy on her arse.....
In memory of all those who died at the front!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I went to the Doctors yesterday and he advised me not to lift anything heavy for the next month.........

It`s a real pain having to sit down to pee..................

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Got into a spot of bother with my mandatory drugs test at work today.

According to the results, I'm a Russian Olympian.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I'm amazed. I have just seen an advert for the New Years Celebrations in Berlin. You would have thought that someone in Mrs Merkels Government would have told her that its a little late. The Muslim New Year was on 15th October.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I come from a really poor family, we never had any money. If I hadn't been a boy, I'd never have had anything to play with.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My Vicar told me sex isn't the answer.

Of course not, sex is the question.....yes is the answer.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F just dumped me for talking about video games too much.......

What a stupid thing to FALLOUT 4.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I went to a headshrink last week an he asked me if any other members of my family suffer from a mental illness.
I said ,"No, they all seem to enjoy it actually."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Mrs Beef wanted a new living room set but Beefy kept saying "No." Everyday she would ask him to please let her have the set. Everyday he would say "No."
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Mrs Beef asked, he looked at her and said, "You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition."
Mrs Beef was so excited! "Anything you want, honey!"
"Well," he began, "when you grow hair on your chest, I'll buy you that living room."
"Grow hair on my chest?"
Mrs Beef was devastated. "How am I going to do that?"
Beefy just smiled and went off to work.
Arriving home that night, he found Mrs Beef waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed.
"Honey," she trilled, "I ordered my living room set this afternoon!"
"You dddid???" Beefy stammered. "You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!"
"I sure do!" she replied.
"No way! Let me see it." replied Beefy.
"OK!" she said as she lifted up her skirt.
"There it is!" She pointed to her privates.
"HONEY! That is not your chest!"
"Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your 'hope' chest. Since we've been married it's been your 'tool' chest. And if I don't get my living room set, it's going to be the 'community' chest!"

DD