Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested..
All coloured with Union Jacks with writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a Nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the Nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen Sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer
my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The Nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the Nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout Nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ...."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question.
However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The Nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that frickin' Nun out there again!"
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex
life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. '
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
I told the G/F that my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have a threesome.
She freaked out when I said it didn`t involve her!!
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
You know it`s going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend takes out a restraining order against you............... DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
DD
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
A Jewish Doctor gave a man six month`s to live.
But when he didn`t pay, he gave him six month`s more.
DD
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
The G/F just phoned me and the conversation went like this......
"You know that Gladiator movie I got you"?
"Yeah"
"Wind it forwards 1 hour 28 minutes and 16 seconds".
"Right Iv`e done that".
"OK You see the Gladiator at the front fighting the Lion"?
"I can see that ... Yeah"
"Just behind him there are 2 Gladiators having a sword fight"
"Ok I see them"
"Well behind them, on the lefthand side of the screen, there`s a Gladiator holding a spear".
"Yes I can see him!"
"Right. Those are the sandals I want for my birthday................
DD
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
Three mathematicians were walking down to the railway station one day, deep in conversation about mathematics.
They were so absorbed in what they were talking about that as they approached the station, they failed to hear the announcement that the train was about to leave.
However they did notice when the train started to pull away from the platform. Alarmed, they started to run after the train, and eventually two of them managed to scramble on board.
A station porter noticed the remaining man looking glum. "Never mind", he said, "Two out of three isn't bad."
"But you don't understand," replied the mathematician, "they only came to see me off."
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
DD 
Ubique.
|
