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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the fukcer had a paper round!
DD 
Ubique.
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22-09-2014, 16:18
(This post was last modified: 22-09-2014, 16:18 by Baggie_One.)
Subject: Bad Legs
A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Jones Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in really good condition?”
“Sticks”, said Paddy
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22-09-2014, 19:20
(This post was last modified: 22-09-2014, 19:24 by Beefy 1965.)
2x Premier League Champ 1x Championship Winner and World cup Winner
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Not that I'm particularly bothered, but as we all seem to be 'Junior Members', what and how is promotion achieved ?
I've always wanted to be a General !!!!! 
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Post, post and continue to post! Or alternatively, you can give yourself a custom title via your User CP...
"I would rather spend a holiday in Tuscany than in the Black Country, but if I were compelled to choose between living in West Bromwich or Florence, I should make straight for West Bromwich." - J.B. Priestley
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Mrs Beef visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news.
"There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Mrs Beef stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I get away with it?"
DD
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Got back from work today an the G/F said, "Sorry love, we had a power cut all day so i could´nt make you anything warm to eat."
I said, "What are you talking about, we´ve got a gas cooker!"
She said, "Yes dear, but the tin opener............"
DD 
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Beefy goes to Asda and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
He walks over to her and she greets him warmly.
He's taken aback cos he can't figure out where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the stag do that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my mates watching, while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
DD 
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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to xxxx with the Lone Ranger.
DD 
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Well, pushing on 60 now and reflecting back on my life i think i spent most of my Money on fags, loose women and beer, the rest, i think i just wasted.
DD 
Ubique.
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