[aries22]

I said to the wife in bed last night, 'Do you fancy me?'
And she said, 'What as?'

[Dingle-Dingle]

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he suddenly realizes the one thing he hadn't taught them was English.
So he takes the chief for a walk. He points to a tree and says
"This is a tree."The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree"
The priest is pleased and points to a rock and says, "This is a rock.
"Hearing this the chief then grunts "Rock"
The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peak over the top he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The priest is really flusters and says, "Man riding bike"
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and nice to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood this way?
The chief looks at the priest and replies, "My bike."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks away to his table.
After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"WHAT?! £200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about £50?
"The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?
"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch.
"A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

WORD OF THE DAY........EJACULATE.

What a Yorkshireman says to his workmate when he comes in an hour late.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.
As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots.
They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.
They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

DD