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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
DD 
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I walked up to a girl in a bar last night and said,
"You look like somebody with a boring sex life.
My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."
She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."
"Good," I replied. "I'm glad I've got his support.
DD 
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Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance, Juanita had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much.
However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.
Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said "Yes I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Mark whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...
As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants she began to scream and run out of the room.
Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She stated to Mark, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Mark said, "Yes, it is... 8 lbs., 7 oz., 19 inches long!!"
DD 
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Beefy walked into the kitchen this morning ,and asked his wife"
What’s for breakfast?
"She replied "Make love to me right now"
Not believing his luck, he took her straight over the table.
And when he finished, he asked her,
"What’s’ all that about?"
"The egg timer's broken" she replied".
DD 
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If you don`t have a TV licence you can be sent to prison............
Where you can watch TV all day without needing one.
Just a thought.
DD 
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
DD 
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought out another ring .
“Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by cheque.”
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
Monday morning, a very annoyed jeweller phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man,
“But can you imagine what a weekend I've had!”
DD 
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Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
DD
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Beefy goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"
Beefy is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"......
DD 
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Beefy liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Bob for advice.‘It’s those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool…
They’re years out of style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I’m telling ya man…you’ll have all the babes you want!’
The following weekend, Beefy hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Beefy went back to his buddy Bob and asked him, ‘What’s wrong now?’
‘Lord-Almighty Beefy!’ said Bob, ‘the tater goes in the front!
DD
Ubique.
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