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David Cameron has announced that after an emergency Cobra meeting today on the Calais crisis..problem solved
A ferry full of Chelsea fans are now boarding at Dover and should be on duty later at Calais.

DD

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An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.
There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics.
First, you must have no fear.
Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it.
Now you must do the same, he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation.
For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?

DD

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A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked, "How often should you have it?"
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room.
And she yells, 'xxxx you', and I holler back, 'xxxx you too.' "

DD

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Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir, is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it, Sir?".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw in the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder: "It was bollocks".

DD Borrowed

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If I drink water it has to be pre-filtered by a brewery....... DD

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Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Well here it is:
A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single arsehole, blind bastard, dip shit or wanker anywhere we went today!'

DD

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Nearly time again.........

   

   

Beer and bacon MMMmmmmmmm.

DD 

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My son said "Dad I`ve got something important to tell you...... I`m coming out of the closet".
I slapped him round the back of the head.
"Why can`t you accept me for who I am?" he screamed.
"I don`t care if your Gay" I said "Just don`t talk like a Yank. It`s a cupboard not a closet"

DD

[aries22]

Two homosexual cowboys.
"Y'up?"
"Yep."

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UK Border agency`s favourite joke.

"Knock Knock."

"Come in."

DD