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Went to the doc the other day and said, "Doc, every time i fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol."
He said, "Don´t worry, you´re probably just exhausted!"
Following Christopher Lee's death, The Sun have wrote a full article about Dracula.
He didn't appear in The Mirror though.
DD 
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13-06-2015, 13:50
(This post was last modified: 13-06-2015, 13:53 by talkSAFT.)
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
DD 
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I've just seen 2 young blokes: no beard, no tattoos, no short-back-and-sides between them.
I'm pretty sure this is illegal, but I didn't report them to the police because I thought at least they've got a mind of their own.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with
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An old man was on his deathbed.
He wanted badly to take all his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's £30,000 cash to be held by each of you.
I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put £20,000 into the envelope because he needed £10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put £10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost £20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.
"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full £30,000.
DD 
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My G/F said "Tell me you love me".
I said "Give me a chance I`m only on my 6th can"
DD
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I was sat on the patio with my G/F sipping wine when she said "I love you so much. I don`t know how I could ever live without you".
I asked "Is that you or the wine talking"?
She replied "It`s me...... talking to the wine".
DD
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A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
DD 
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I was listening to a Blonde in the pub last night talking with her friend. She had just had her car serviced. A snippet of her conversation.......
" I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. And I was so relieved when he told me that all I needed changing was the blinker fluid"
DD 
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There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!!
But enough about me, how's your day going?
DD 
Ubique.
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