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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whale to me..

DD

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Dear America.

Send Sepp Blatter to prison and We`ll officially stop making fun of you for calling Football Soccer.

Yours Sincerly.

The World.

DD Unashamedly stolen.

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Liverpool have warned Raheem Sterling that they will not sell him to one of their main rivals..........

So that`s Southampton Stoke and Swansea ruled out then.

DD

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This Romanian fortune teller knocked at my door the other day and said, "I can see the future."
I slapped her in the face and said, "Oh really? bet you did´nt see that one coming!"

DD

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Not so long back, I was taken ill and was in hospital.
There was one young nurse who really pi$$ed me off.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
"And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
I had, had enough of this particular nurse.
One day when breakfast was delivered, there was a glass of apple juice on the tray.,
I had also been given a a urine bottle to fill for testing.
The juice was apple juice.
So ........ you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
"My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ."
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying,
"Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted! .
I just lay back and smiled.

DD

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A food inspector in a bakery catches Paddy using his false teeth to do the design on the edge of apple pies, she roars " have you not got a tool ?"

"Yes," replies Paddy," but I use that on the doughnuts. ..

DD

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I went to this Witch Dr. last week to see if he could get rid of this curse i´ve been living with for 40 years now.
He said, ! I will try, but can you remember the exact words that were said at the time the curse was put upon you?"
I said, "Of course, i will never forget those words. They were "I now pronounce you Man and Wife."

DD

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Channel 4 have announced a new series where four Jeremy Kyle guests take it in turns to cook frozen pizzas and Pot Noodles for each other.
It's called Scum Dine With Me.

DD

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A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."
The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thught about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

DD

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An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

DD