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Went to the health shop today, needed something to get my mojo back, the shop assistant recommended powdered rhino horn as a aphrodisiac, so I bought some and swallowed the lot, what a waste of money, didn't do a thing for my sex life.....
But I have just run outside and head butted a Land Rover...... DD

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My G/F has just found out I've been ringing a sex line.
She recognised my mobile number. DD

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My mate said, "I like your convertible sports car."
I said, "It's not very practical now we have a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you?"
I said, "Go on then. Three Grand."
He said, "You've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one, you're going to make a brilliant Dad.”

DD

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I would like to deeply apologise to anybody i´ve called an idiot, a moron or just plain stupid on this site. I thought you already knew.

DD

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I went to a car dealer once to get a 2nd car for the mrs.
I said, "I´d like a middle class car for the G/F."
He said to me, "Sorry sir, we don´t do swapsys here."

DD

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The Hospital rang me yesterday and a doctor asked if my wife was there.
I said, "No, i´m sorry, she´s out."
Then the doc said, "I´m sorry to have to tell you this but your mother-in-law died last night."
I said, "Thank xxxx for that. I thought I´d gone deaf!"

DD

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Just a few comments I`ve received on the solar eclipse comment I made on F/B.

It IS real DD,unbelievable as it may seem,I flew to the Sun in 1977 and saw the factory there that produces solar eclipses.
You can contact them through.....www.solar earth.UK/eclipse.
Hope this helps in your quest for enlightenment,all the best,may the Sun shine out yer bum!!!!!!

Don't waste your time on the eclipse.
It's a fake.
I've gone to loads of them.
Even on a bright summer's day.
Not a cloud in the sky.
Then everything went pitch black.
Missed it.
Every time.


Wot a waste! Same thing just happened to me, con. And I was so excited. Not a lot happens here in wales,
I went home


See? Same thing happened to me in Wales. Parrys Mountain it was, on Anglesey.

As we all know the suns crust is circa 5000 degrees Celsius.
That's why, when I build my rocket ship to land there I'm going to go at night.
Forward planning is key to the successful outcome.
#gotitcovered

Daft shite. You won't see where you're going in the dark.

I brought a solar panel powered rocket ship!
Oh wait......
Hang on. ...
Didn't think it through. ....
I'll take matches.
Howz that!
You're welcome

AND you think YOU GUYS are CRAZY.............. DD

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The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

DD

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Brenda was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilise their eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Brenda's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Brenda's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Brenda was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Brisbane Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet surprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

   
DD    

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Top Tips + Top Tips
Guys, when in Thailand avoid getting off with a ladyboy by asking her to park the car. If she manages in under a Minute be Aware. Be very Aware.

DD