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Looks like I`m in trouble with the G/F again. I bought her some lorry oil for her birthday.

Apparently its pronounced "L`Oreal"

DD

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A tourist walked into a pet store looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a naval officer from the Ministry of Defence walked in and said to the shopkeeper
"I'll take one of those monkeys, please"
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey.
He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the officer, saying, "That will be £1,000, please." The officer paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey" back home most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special Royal Navy Artificer monkey, he can ring for action stations and operate the missile systems of a frigate, he's passed the Navy's Fitness Test, and can perform the duties of a Petty Officer with no back chat or complaints. he's well worth the money".
The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That ones even more expensive! £5,000! What does it do?" he asked. "Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper. "That's a " RAF Engineering Officer" monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise repairs of the aircraft, and even do all of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed".
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag was £10,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"
"To be quite honest" said the shopkeeper "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers say he's in the Royal Engineers"

DD

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When this Covid thing is over we will all have to wear a mask on the back of our heads to get our ears back to normal.....

DD

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I hired a handyman today and gave him a list of things to do - but when I got home, he'd only done tasks 1, 3 and 5.
Turns out he only does odd jobs.

DD

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Apparantly they are doing a re-make of the Never Ending Story.

It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

DD

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Education is important, BUT opening the pubs is importanter.

DD

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Remember, when you bury the body, cover it with endangered plants so it will be illegal for anyone to dig it up.

Follow me for more tips, //

DD

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Don`t you just hate cleaning out your freezer and finding people you don`t even recognise......

DD

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Hands, Face, Space.

Add a generous amount of Tabasco sauce to your antiseptic hand wash and the urge to touch your eyes or face will soon go away.

DD

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Tesco`s are giving away free meal deals....... If you can outrun security.

DD