[Dingle-Dingle]

Has anyone else bought the CoVid-19 home testing kit from that Chinese web site Wish??

I got mine today and apparently I`m pregnant.

DD

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The Devon and Cornwall music festival has been cancelled.

They couldn`t decide who to put on first, the Jam or Cream.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Let`s play a fun quarantine game......

Someone leave a crate of beer on my doorstep and I`ll try and guess who it was.

DD

[silverbaggie]

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on Durham bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

Boris Johnson held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.

[derbybaggie]

This is an old one but if some of you have teenagers you can probably relate

The Grumpy Guide to shopping with a teenage girl (First posted November 2016)

Fortunately my shopping trips (other than the weekly supermarket shop) tend to be mainly based via Amazon Prime or browsing around camera and running shops. But with my wife incapacitated after an op, I manfully stepped up to the plate and offered to take one of my teenage daughters into town on my own, unescorted, and without police armed back up.

Gone are the days when they hold your hand tightly, pulling you towards Build-a-Bear Workshop, or gazing in wonder at one of the premature Christmas Displays put up far to early as usual (that’s probably another grumpy guide in itself). At first I was stressed and uncomfortable finding the new terms and conditions I had to conduct myself under extremely confusing. But, after an hour or so I established some of these unwritten rules and thought it would be worth jotting down some of them here as an aide memoir to myself, and to aid any other dads who find themselves in a similarly vulnerable situation.

Rule 1 - The 10 yard distance rule
The first thing you notice is that your daughter doesn’t actually walk with you, rather 10 yards behind. If you slow down for her to catch up, she either slows down as well, or diverts off to the right or left to keep this 10 yards distance. The 10 yards distance is not however sacrosanct, it can be relaxed if.
1. It is clear that no other teenagers are within 500 miles, so impossible for them to realise that I am in fact shopping with my daughter
2. Your daughter actually wants you to buy her something, so communication is a necessity, although in this case such communication will be facts, whispered, kept to a minimum and once completed the 10 yard distance will be restored as soon as humanly possible
3. You are in a lift (but then you must stand as far away as the walls allow) and turn your back slightly so anybody thinking you are associated is highly unlikely.

Rule 2 - The 20 yard distance rule
The 20 yard distance rule must be implemented when your daughter sees someone from their school. There are strictly no exceptions to this rule.

Rule 3 - The 30 yard distance rule
The 30 yard distance rule must be implemented when your daughter sees someone from their school who is a boy. Again there are strictly no exceptions to this rule.

Rule 4 - No talking to any school friends
In the extreme situation of one of your daughter’s friends appearing out of nowhere and actually saying hello to you, you must think very quickly. A mumbled excuse and a quick exit are probably the best course of action. On no account must you reminisce how you remember when they were little kids at primary school, or when they attended your daughters sixth birthday party. “Crumbs I didn’t recognise you”, “Haven’t you grown” and especially "I remember when I used to change your nappy" are words that must not, under any circumstances be uttered from your lips.

Rule 5 - No joking with shop assistants
Jokes are simply out, they are not funny, totally embarrassing and should not be attempted at any time whatsoever. Witty light hearted banter also should be refrained from. If the shop assistant attempts even polite discussion you should try and dissuade them wherever feasible.

Rule 6 - A teenager must not be asked to carry shopping bags
There are exceptions to this rule - Topshop, Newlook, Pandora and Victoria’s Secret bags are all government approved for carrying by a teenage girl. (although who Victoria is and what secret she's keeping, I have no idea). Previous favourite shopping bags such as Build-a-Bear, The Disney Shop, and The Entertainer must be destroyed by shredding and then incinerating.

Rule 7 - Simply never ever ever hold hands and skip with your teenage daughter however much fun you think it will be.
(Rule 7 doesn't require further explanation)

[Dingle-Dingle]

I said to the G/F "I had nightmares last night after eating too much liquorice before I went to bed."

She replied "What did you dream about"??

"All sorts" I said.....

DD

[silverbaggie]

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

[Dingle-Dingle]

Went out for a run tonight and I was amazed and touched at how many people on route came out to applaud me .

DD

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To give customers a clearer understanding of the length of their closure, Wickes have temporarily changed their name to Months.

DD

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Lockdown, whatever.....

I`m thinking of sleeping on the settee to cut down on my morning commute.

DD