[Dingle-Dingle]

Social isolation......

The first person to answer this question correctly wins £500. No trick questions I’ve kept it simple so everyone has a fair chance of winning....

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DD

[Salopbaggie]

Thought of the Day!!

If you are going to make a face mask out of an old bra, make sure you use the left cup.

You would not want to go out looking like a right tit.

[talkSAFT]

You know if you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

I am starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I’m so excited; it’s time to take the garbage out. I wonder what I should wear?

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Home schooling question: Does having your children fix you mixed cocktails count as a chemistry lesson?
My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!

If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock” don’t open it....
It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.

I swear my fridge just said: “what the hell do you want now?”
If anyone owes you money, go to their house now. They should be home.

I’m giving up drinking for a month.
.....Sorry, punctuation typo.....
I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.

[themaclad]

Ron Wylie RIP

[Dingle-Dingle]

I just got pulled over by a copper and he said "I can smell alcohol".

I replied "That`s because you`re not observing social distancing"

DD

[Salopbaggie]

Thought I would cycle down to the supermarket and get a bottle of Gin to make lockdown more bearable. I buy the gin, but when I get outside the store I think to myself, what if I fall off the bike and break the bottle. solution, I better down it.

Good job I did I fell off 7 times on the way home.

[Dingle-Dingle]

Lockdown, Day Whatever.....

As we enter the next 3 weeks of lockdown here is a summary of the advice:

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open

4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work

5. You should not go to the Drs or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there

6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it effects

11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11)

13. You will have many symptoms if your get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...

14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go out shopping

15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic

16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication

17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out

18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including Pizza...

19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver

20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic

22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores to be education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am

23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am

24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t be counted

25. You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music.

27. No business will go under due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will have already gone under.

DD

[drewks]

DD, we love you

[Dingle-Dingle]

I bought a chicken yesterday to make sandwiches. All it`s done so far is shit on the floor.

DD

[derbybaggie]

I write Grumpy Guides to various topics on Facebook. Most usually about my teenagers, or young adults as they like to be called. This ones more relevant to the current situation so thought you might like it.

The Grumpy Guide to Social Distancing on a dog walk

Three weeks into lockdown and the dogs can’t believe their luck. A long walk in the surrounding countryside (normally confined to the weekends) is now the ultimate highlight as well as being the government ration for exercise each and every day. Prior to Lockdown keeping 2m away from another person was somewhat of a breeze as we had the paths and fields more or less to ourselves, with only mud, the occasional rabbit and/or pheasant for company. But now it’s open season with every Tom, Dick and Harriet converging on the area and some paths akin to Oxford Street just before Christmas.

So what is the etiquette on Social Distancing when you meet someone on a path or country lane? Government guidance is fairly vague and I did even consider tweeted Mr Trump for some more informed wisdom, but then again..... Clearly from the attitude of different people I meet on my walks everybody has different views, so I think it is time for a Grumpy Guide.

1. The Social Distancing Waltz

Most encounters with people on dog walks develop into what I affectionately call the Social Distancing Waltz. You get to about 50m from a person coming towards you. You stop look at each other and smile and then both in perfect timing and harmony start to walk at an angle off the path to the side. Almost certainly this will be the same side, at which point you stop again, laugh, and then both walk back to the path in perfect synchronisation. This can go on several times as you converge ever closer until one of you realises that for the manoeuvre to be carried out successfully one of you actually has to remain on the path. So after several attempts with one off the path to the side and the other staying on said path you manage to keep, and usually exceed your regulation distance as you pass smiling and exchanging pleasantries in doing so. This approach appears to be the norm and I think it would be helpful if the government could produce clearer guidance on it, or at least the BBC introduce it as a compulsory round in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing.

2. The hide and seek approach

The second method is to wait in excess of 2m away from the path for someone to pass. Most often you will see the protagonist concerned standing some way ahead allowing plenty of room for you to walk past and still keep to the path. Occasionally however you don’t see them at all, they may be concealed by a tree, bush or fence and just as you get level you will hear a loud “Good Morning” emanating from close by. After a start and a second or two trying to compose yourself you manage to stammer a ‘Good Morning’ back and you’re on your way. Mostly that’s all fine but on one occasion the hidden social distancer did look a bit like Hannibal Lecter and really gave me the creeps. He was probably fine, just mumbling something about being a nice day for Chianti and favva beans.

3. The half a field (upset the farmer) approach

This is where the person/people coming towards you whilst still some way away decide to stride off into the middle of the field (most usually through a newly planted crop) to allow a 200m arc of room as they pass. They may even shout a distant greeting which you haven’t got a chance of hearing firstly, because they are far too far way, and secondly it’s drowned out by the farmer’s tractor speeding over to find out what the hell they are doing.
On a positive note, I might have solved how crop circles are formed.

4. The I’ll walk the other way approach

On two occasions I’ve had people on seeing me simply turn around and walk quickly in the opposite direction. This is when you really start questioning yourself. Is it because I’ve been letting myself go in lockdown, but that can’t be it, after all I did have a shower two weeks ago. Have I offended them in the past? Whilst that is very possible, they probably didn’t get close enough to recognise me anyway?

5. The no look approach

This seems the strangest one of all. Someone comes towards you and they are clearly in the zone. Their eyes are focussed on the ground or possibly straight ahead. they walk exactly 2m off the path and as they pass they don’t say anything or look at you in any way shape or form. You say 'good day', ‘hello’, ‘hi’, ‘top of the morning’, ‘beautiful weather’ and there is just nothing in return. It’s like if they are worried if they look at you or acknowledge you in anyway whatever virus you may be carrying is bound to get them. And I thought I was Grumpy?

Stay safe