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I got called in to see my son's primary school teacher today...

She asked, "Is everything okay at home as we're a bit concerned about Daimion's language in class"...

I replied, "You're xxxx concerned...? I have to live with the little bastard"...!!!

DD Doh Doh
Ubique.
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I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out that passengers don`t like it when you try to go the extra mile.

DD Laugh Laugh
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Ubique.
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I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.

The doctor said, "Just shake your head."

I asked him, "How often?"

He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat sod..

DD Blush Blush
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Ubique.
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BREAKING NEWS....

Met Police clear climate protesters from London bridge with a pop-up job centre.

DD Sick Sick
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Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

DD Confused Confused
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Up the park earlier and I saw 4 Manchester United players, playing football with a hedgehog.

I was in the process of phoning the RSPCA, until the hedgehog went 1-0 up
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I asked a Welsh friend of mine how many sexual partners he`d had.
He started counting, but fell asleep.

DD Angel Angel
Ubique.
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(14-10-2019, 10:34)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: I asked a Welsh friend of mine how many sexual partners he`d had.
He started counting, but fell asleep.

DD  Angel  Angel

Laugh
Racist!!
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with
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My G/F thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted too easily.....

Well, I guess I`d better get back to it.

DD Rolleyes Rolleyes
Ubique.
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Brought a box of those chocolate animal biscuits and just as I was about to tuck in I noticed a warning on the packet saying "do not eat if seal is broken" well I tipped them out and guess what... Had to bin the lot..

DD Doh Doh
Ubique.
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