The Off Topic Thread

Dingle-Dingle · 09-10-2019, 18:59

My co-worker is unable to attend next weeks Innuendo seminar.
I have to fill her slot instead.

DD Doh

Salopbaggie · 09-10-2019, 20:28

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to a woman who was snoring and farting, it was so relieving to know I had made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell bacon burning. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

The missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Dingle-Dingle · 10-10-2019, 10:50

Breaking news.

Man drowns after falling into giant vat of coffee.

His wife said "He didn`t suffer... It was instant.

DD Rolleyes

Dingle-Dingle · 10-10-2019, 12:49

Turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed......... Just forget your partners birthday.

DD Sick

Dingle-Dingle · 10-10-2019, 17:15

They all laughed at me when I said I would discover the secret of invisibility.

If only they could see me now.

DD Tongue

Dingle-Dingle · 11-10-2019, 11:13

My boss said I intimidate my co-workers.
I stared at him until he apologised.

DD Whistle

Baggiebob(BBB) · 11-10-2019, 13:07

(24-09-2019, 01:09)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: I was doing a cross word in the pub and said to my Scottish mate “I’m stuck on one, trapped on a desert island, eight letters starting with M”
He said “Marooned”
I said “Thanks I’ll have a pint of bitter then”

DD

Don't get it Huh

Arcane Astral Aeons · 11-10-2019, 13:15

(11-10-2019, 13:07)Baggiebob(BBB) Wrote:
(24-09-2019, 01:09)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: I was doing a cross word in the pub and said to my Scottish mate “I’m stuck on one, trapped on a desert island, eight letters starting with M”
He said “Marooned”
I said “Thanks I’ll have a pint of bitter then”

DD

Don't get it

marooned=scottish= ma round

Beefy 1965 · 11-10-2019, 16:04

You no the tune ...

They’ve been to Kazakhstan and Belgium, Russia in the snow, Scotland get battered everywhere they goooooooo everywhere they goooo.

Dingle-Dingle · 11-10-2019, 17:04

I just tried to join the Weight Watchers web site, they offered me cookies.

I think it`s a test.

DD Huh