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Breaking news.....

A man has collapsed on the London eye.

Paramedics are on the scene and say he is coming round slowly.

DD

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Just noticed the G/F is wearing sexy underwear..... This can only mean one thing
She`s behind with the laundry again.

DD

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I don`t understand how Undertakers can raise the cost of funeral`s and blame it on the cost of living. DD

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A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days. This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day".
The gobby German trucker says, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?"
After taking a long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replies..........
"A LANCASTER BOMBER

Yes its an old one DD

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I hate it when people don`t know the difference between "Your" and "You`re".

There so stupid......

DD

[talkSAFT]

I hate it when people don`t know the difference between "Your" and "You`re".

There so stupid......

DD    

Your right their, DD

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Damn Autocorrect: The other day I sent my best mate a text saying “Hey Dave, do you fancy a wank down by the Marina?” I mean, how embarrassing...I actually meant 'Canal…

Old people, don't sweat it. The tv sucks anyway. Entertain yourself like you did in your youth and shoot some xxxx's.

Religion is like a penis, it's fine to have one and be proud of it, but when you take it out and wave it in my face, that's when we have a xxxx problem.

I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently fucked up exhausted pigeon.

Don’t tell me to act my age, I don’t know how to act my age, I have never been this xxxx old before!

Just bought a box of nails and had to throw half on them away as the heads was on the wrong end? Then I thought I could have gone round other side of fence and knocked them in from there FFS!

With age comes new talents, I can forget what I’m doing whilst I am actually doing it!

When you sit on the toilet you connect your arsehole to a city wide network of other connected arseholes.

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still xxxx telling me about herself....

WOMEN'S WORLD CUP COMMENTATORS: Make sure you think before you speak if one of the players gets a nasty gash at the top of her legs.

The Cornish are the most pasty looking people in the UK

Confuse your pet cat and dog by rubbing cat nip on your dog's balls.

CONFUSE camels by spitting at them first.

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says "Smell this", it usually smells nice

If you see me jogging, Please kill whatever the xxxx is chasing me.

Friend: we don't use swear words around our kids, Me: yeah, me neither, My kid: bollocks you lying xxxx!

Prenatal check up, Doc: hoping for a boy or a girl? Me: Well, to be honest I was hoping to pull out, but here we xxxx are.

Ironicaly, iliterate is the most reguarly mispelt word

When a giraffe has a cup of tea, by the time it gets to the bottom of his throat it’s tepid. Most cafes will not allow them in because of the constant complaining.

In ancient Greece the penalty for homosexuality was bugger all

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs its time to start eating cakes again

Reduce your facebook birthday messages by 80% by simply asking for charity donations instead.

RAF electricians. Avoid getting an erection during rectal examinations by waiting outside while the vet examines your dog or squeezes his glands.

Experience the thrill of winning an argument with your wife by sitting in a library for three days.

DD

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Just had a young newly wed couple move in next door to me, and they`ve just made a sex tape.

Obviously, they don`t know that yet.

DD

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I couldn`t understand why the Doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation......

Then I saw a Dragon and shit myself.

DD

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It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my very first rectal exam. His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse:
"Damn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light."

DD