[Dingle-Dingle]

After yesteday`s football all my German friends have blocked my calls.
My phone is now Hans free......

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F said that I`m hopeless at fixing electrical appliances.

Boy is she in for a shock.

DD

[silverbaggie]

I went to the library the other day and asked if they had any books on suicide.

The librarian said "Yes we did have but nobody ever brought them back".

[Dingle-Dingle]

Just seen Andy Murray walking down the street and I said to him" do you fancy doubling up"? He said ok so I kicked him in the nuts.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A co-worker said to me, "Could you be anymore annoying??"

So the next day I turned up in tap shoes.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Due to the water shortage in Wolverhampton the council have announced they are closing lanes 7 & 8 at the local swimming baths. DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster........ So now I have to sit here until both of us are dead. DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I find it strange seeing so many tattoo`s on professional footballers considering how low their pain threshold is....... DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a pub. There`s normally an Englishman with them but he`s still at the World Cup. DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was asked how I would like my remains to be handled after I died. Scattered at Disneyland I said, also, I don’t want to be cremated!

I’d love a golden shower but they must be very expensive

Saudi Arabia F.A. Use more common sense when selecting your World Cup goalkeeper and don't pick a convicted thief.

PUT a downer on things when people are enjoying the sunny weather by saying, "Soon be Christmas, the nights are really drawing in!"

. I don't take nude selfies, Vodka: Ha Ha, oooh yes, yes you xxxx do.

Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in an off license.

Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still xxxx needed one?

Gf: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the xxxx cap.

Fool people into thinking you have a pet otter by pinning your cats ears back and coating it's fur in vaseline.

It's remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.

The Thai youth football team stranded in a cave have been advised they will have to learn to dive before they can be rescued. Apparently the Brazilian government have offered Neymar as a technical adviser !

7pm is the time Asda reduce the price of their bread . If you plan it right, you too can act like a xxxx crazed seagull on a bag of chips.

Gf: On a scale of 0-100, how immature are you? Me: 69!

If you have ever been scared half to death, don’t let it happen twice!

Scientists in Australia. Find out the weight of the earth by simply turning your kitchen scales upside down.

If the promise of a stuffed meerkat influences your choice of car insurance, are you sure you should be driving?

Taking my ugly baby to the baby changing facilities at my local Tesco didn’t pan out as I hoped.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Shop assistant: That’s a cactus…

Carnivores. Get revenge on vegetarians by protesting about the barbaric conditions in which vegetables are kept.
For example, runner beans are TIED UP 24 HOURS A DAY.

The Thai island of Phuket was so named because the inhabitants gave up after failing to agree a proper name for it after months of tedious deliberation.

DD