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If CaMORON tripped and fell into the Thames and you were the only Person to save him, which Pub would you go to ??

DD

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Q. Why are Pirates called Pirates?

A. Cos they Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand wascut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up andone of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?'

'Well, it was my first day with the hook.'

Q. Where do Pirates go shopping?

A. Aaaarrrrrgos

DD

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ITV have had to cancel their new reality Show,"Englands biggest Liars" because all the contestants refused to turn up.
The Conservative Party, the Labour Party, the Liberal Party and the Scotish Party all refused to take part. Even the Rotherham Council and the BBC declined the offer.
The Prickminister, the not so honourable Mr. David CaMORON said, "We do not Need utter rubbish like this, for that, we have the Houses of Parliament."

DD

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I received a phone call today from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic."

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Also, I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge."

"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider now. Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone.Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I'm developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself."


So I told her to f*** off.

DD

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Need I say more. DD

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A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."

"Poultry Farmer it is."

DD

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Two friends are talking in a bar.
One says to the other.
“My mother-in-law died yesterday
"Sorry to hear that mate. How'd she die?.
She sat in the chair, laid back, put her feet up, closed her eyes, and that was it.”
“That’s the best way to go.” replied his friend.
“Yeah, it is.” said the first.“But the dentist shit himself!”

DD

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Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go"
"This one's empty ... no-one's looking... you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Sniff sniff "Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker... then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking. To those two people in the rear toilet... we know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now put those cigarettes out and take the fukcing condom off the smoke detector."

DD

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A University Professor, who was a well known atheist stood on his chair and said,
"If GOD really exists, then let him knock me off this chair".
Nothing happened.
The class was quiet.
"See! Now I'll give it a couple more minutes."
An RE RSM who had been booked to give a lecture later, stood up, strolled over to the professor and punched him in the face, knocking him out cold, then sat back down.
As the Professor came to, he looked at the RSM and said,
"WHY'D YOU DO THAT!"
The RSM said
"GOD was busy protecting my buddies still fighting for your right to say and do stupid shit like this, so HE SENT ME!!"

DD

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Richard Branson has had his offer to sponsor West Brom declined .
In a club statement , a spokesman said " We feel it would not be appropriate to wear 'Virgin' on our shirts as we're getting fukced every week !"

DD