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Old MacDonald has OCD........

EEIIO

DD

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Always love a woman for her personality; they have ten on average so you get to choose…………….. sometimes.

If you want to commit the perfect crime do it when the clocks change and we loose an hour. That way you did it when time didn’t exist

My old dad used to say…….. ” always, always be up front with everyone!” Great man, shit goalkeeper!

I was shocked to discover the element of surprise is not included in the periodic table.

The Columbian version of Top Gear has xxxx all to do with cars

I’m not totally useless; you can use me as a staggeringly bad example!

A Victorian porcelain teapot is a delightful and charming way to administer an enema.

Dont get into trouble with Michael Cain by misunderstanding his instructions and oraly satisfying Jim Morrison and his band.

OFFICES. Increase your paper supply by photocopying all your blank A4 paper.

Solve world hunger, sweetcorn, eat, rinse, repeat!

I went to the Drs this morning with sore feet. He said. "Gout" I said. " Bloody Hell I have only just come in

Another World's Oldest Man has died. Those bloody Russians are at it again!

I lost in the toe sucking championships, first time I’d ever tasted defeat.

TIP: Access any crime scene, by turning up with two coffees, handing one to the officer in charge and saying “so what do we have here?”

My girlfriend thinks I'm incapable of being faithful. My wife on the other hand...

Beat the sugar tax by buying sugar free drinks then go home and add 7 spoonfuls of your own sugar...

MoneySupermarket: Why not ruin the entire 60’s childhoods of literally millions of British people with your latest Action Man adverts. Since when did we make them dance together like the xxxx Village People, you started the xxxx rot with the 80’s He-man and Skeletor dirty dancing!

Why do the distance runners always look down to check they still have both feet and hold their kneecaps in case they drop off immediately after finishing a race ?

One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what bloody secret we are keeping from the rest of the family

"It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

Dear kids snorting johnnies, don't worry, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...

Get the London look by stabbing yourself in the chest with a kitchen knife.

DD

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It was a sunny day so Beefy nipped out Into the garden half dressed to peg out the washing .
His neighbour saw him and smiled and said "I see your out with your Wife's knickers again "
Shit....... he forgot he was still wearing them!!

My dog's just turned up at the pub shaking like a leaf.
He knows if I'm not home in 10 minutes he's getting my dinner.

DD

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A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
Eventually, the knocks got louder and more frequent, but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he suddenly looked through the window.
"Do you think I'm stupid?" he shouted, "I can see you in there, open the door!"
"You're not coming in, mate!" I replied.
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

DD

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Why is it that all instruments created to find "Intelligent life", are pointed "AWAY" from Earth??

DD

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What`s six inches long, pink and makes my G/F moan all day??

Her tongue.

DD

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My G/F is one of a pair of twins but you can tell them apart because her brother doesn't have a beard.

She is a terrible cook as well. She is the only woman I know that has an oven that flushes.

DD

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The G/F just walked out of the kitchen, looked at me and said, "I'm afraid that you need to get a new dish washer."
I thought to myself, "That's a strange way to break up with someone....."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I`ve just desserted my G/F.....

I dropped a chocolate gateaux on her head.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Researchers have found that every beer or wine you have per day knocks about half an hour off your life expectancy. Who gives a shit, I’d just have spent it drinking beer or wine anyway.

Recreate the thrill of a twenty something's night out by throwing all your money away, giving yourself a black eye, pissing all over your own shoes and waking up in next door's front garden covered in vomit.

Swap your G/F's eye drops for the super glue, it will be xxxx hilarious watching her try to mend that ornamen...... hang on, got to go she's screaming my name for some reason.

Given that there are several Billion birds, thousands of planes and only one Superman, it's most likely to be a bird.

RECREATE the ITV Show 'I'm A Celebrity' by eating a bull's testicle, a pigs eyeball and a sheep's penis... Or a Greggs sausage roll as it's better known.

If a man is blood type B, and his wife is blood type O, any children they have will grow up with smelly armpits.

If you piss in a bleach bottle it instantly creates homemade mustard gas

Guarantee making money on the Grand National by simply buying shares in Findus crispy pancakes and Greggs steak pies.

Avoid spending Sunday in the burns unit by researching tea bagging before trying it.

Do chameleons go invisible when placed on a sheet of glass?

Tinder is a great site for women looking for a husband..... someone else's.

Convince people you are a recent lottery winner by purchasing a panini on an EasyJet flight.

I've been diagnosed as clinically obese - as if I haven't got enough on my plate!

Every gift from a child is special. Except for this pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

I have a 'Do To' list, it's like a To Do list but filled with malicious intent.

You know you're getting xxxx old when the price of tomatoes intrigues you.

Had a lovely long talk with my niece about drugs....which ones are the best, who in town sells it, stuff like that.

There's nothing quite like that moment when your toddler comes for a cuddle, looks deep into your eyes, and sneezes snot directly into your face.

DD