[4evaabaggie]

That's bollox, Beefy. We haven't slid down for months!

You can't slide once you've hit rock bottom.

[Dingle-Dingle]

I finally agreed to be hypnotized in an effort to discover if the recurring nightmares that were ruining my life were a result of a traumatic event in my past that I'd shut out of my memory.
I was reluctant to accept the results but the evidence was clear.
I really did say "I do."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F told me that my penis reminds her of her old super soaker water gun.
I said Why, because its big, powerful and your favourite toy?
She said no it's because 5 or 6 pumps and it's all done.

DD

[4evaabaggie]

Looking at the tv schedule I thought they hadn't cancelled Ant and Dec on saturday then I realised Ant wasn't in FAST AND FURIOUS 5

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, “100 ways to please your woman.”
My G/F said, “Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest woman ever.
I smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?”
She said, “Pack your bags and xxxx off.”

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Despite what they say, Honey badgers aren’t as delicious as they sound, and the bastards bite back!

You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you're first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

Spice things up in the bedroom by telling your partner the safe word is "deeper".

Ant Mcpartlin, when arrested give your name as Declan Donnelly, as nobody can ever tell which is xxxx which.

When your best mates post pictures of themselves with their teenage daughters, simply reply “I would”, this helps cement your friendship no end

FAIRY LIQUID USERS: Stop being tight twats and buy your xxxx kid a toy spaceship.

Prisoners in Britain used to be detained 'At Her Majesty's Pleasure'. Unfortunately she's getting a bit old for that kind of thing now.

The headlamps on a BMW have three settings - dipped, main beam and twat.

I was researching diabetes the other day, visited their website and the first xxxx thing they ask is will I accept their cookies!

How many Russian Diplomats does it take .................

Most women wont date a bloke that lives with his mother but they will date a bloke that’s married, work that one out!

Ha – mildly amusing

Haha – laughing

Hahaha – sarcastic laughing

Hahahaha – Staying Alive.

PET owners: since you call a pet your fur baby, you must call your actual children flesh babies for clarification, unless they are teenagers when its ok to re classify them as gruntmonsters

Top tip from all this snow recently, never make a snow angel on any field where they walk dogs!

"Can you go and check upstairs, I don't think the baby monitor is working. " Said my girlfriend.
So I went upstairs, "Can you hear me, " I called through the monitor,
"Yes. " She answered.
It is working then, " I replied, "what do you want me to do with the dead baby? "

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don`t know them......

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Just watched the boat race...I couldn’t believe the same two teams into the final again for the 135 year on the trot.....

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

What's the difference between Anusol and Deep Heat?

I'll tell you once I've finished xxxx crying.

DD