[Dingle-Dingle]

NEWS JUST IN......In the wake of the alleged poisoning of Sergei Skripal and his daughter in Wiltshire last week. UK threaten Russia with voting "Nul Points" at Eurovision --

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth....

Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.

Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.

Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.

The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.".....>>>>>

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Todays to do list.

1 Buy 4 pigs.
2 Paint nos 1,2,3 and 5 on their backs.
3 Release them in Asda.
4 Sit back and watch security search for no 4.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Steven Hawking and Jim Bowen have died on the same day , at least they kept up the bully tradition and the non dart player went first !!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful. You remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?
She agrees and a time is made for tomorrow.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.
'What was that for?' he asked.
She said, 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said
Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'.....

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Police investigating the case of a fifty pence coin being thrown at the WBA directors box at the last home game have found out it was actually a takeover bid.

Just because Ken Dodd has actually now died, try not to do the Ken Dodd died!...Diddy? No Doddy joke................bugger, did it!!!!!!! No Dod it....aaaarrrrggghhh!!.

Breaking news…… Ken Dodd's dead dad's dog's dead So that’s Ken Dodd, Dodds Dad, Dodds Dads Dog, and Dodds Dads Dogs Dads are dead, plus the dodo is dead, Di's dead, Dodi is dead and with Doddy dead that Dido must be shitting herself . Police say they have a couple of leads but don't expect them to go anywhere.

Retweeted God (@TheTweetOfGod): It’s only been a few hours and Stephen Hawking already mathematically proved, to my face, that I don’t xxxx exist.

The last four letters in “queue” are not silent They’re just waiting their turn

Did Steven Hawking have a donor card ?? ..Cos my sons go-kart is pretty much fucked….

Yeah right, so everyone is a fan of Stephen Hawking now that he died. I bet they can’t even name 3 of his songs.

Sign language is the least spoken language in the world.

MOBILITY SCOOTER DRIVERS. Attach a string of bananas behind your vehicle for that exciting Mario Kart look.

Do necrophyliacs use dead batteries for their sex toys?

Teresa May. Put the fear of god into all Russians, by sending a sternly worded e:mail to the Kremlin. Maybe stamp your foot once.That'll xxxx show 'em.

Paparazzi please think about Stephen Hawking's family....they just need time and space….

History and nostalgia buffs. Recreate the heady days of the Spanish Inquisition by attempting to buy some paracetamol from Boots.

Overcome your claustrophobia by thinking outside the box.

. Put cotton wool on a frog. When it jumps, tell thick children it's a cloud with legs.

Before going on a long romantic walk with your new girlfriend. Take a shit! Trust me on this one!

I don't know if animals go to heaven , but the praying mantis has to be in with a bloody good shout.



DD    

[Dingle-Dingle]

Walked into my local and I asked the landlady if she knew Bob.
'Bob! Who's that?'
You know Bob, one eye.
'No, sorry, never heard of him'
Yes, Bob, you know, one eye, one ear.
'Nobody like that comes in here'
Yes, he does, one eye, one ear, one tooth.
'For the last time, no one like that called Bob drinks here!!!'
He's here all the time, Bob, with one eye, one ear, one tooth, one arm and one leg.
'Right, get out before I throw you out!
I can't believe you don't know Bob, one eye, one ear, one tooth, one arm, one leg and one strand of hair on his head
'What colour is it?'
Ginger.
'Oh! Ginger Bob, I know him!!.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My mate has been on that many blind dates, he should get a dog. DD

[Beefy 1965]

Can I do the old School joke,
What's Blue and White and Slides down the table

[talkSAFT]

That's bollox, Beefy. We haven't slid down for months!