[Dingle-Dingle]

So we give the French £45m to improve border security, we get the Bayeux Tapestry for a few months.
A 70m embroidered masterpiece depicting why we should never trust the cheese eating surrender monkeys in the first place.
Makes you proud eh?

DD

[drewks]

So we give the French £45m to improve border security, we get the Bayeux Tapestry for a few months.
A 70m embroidered masterpiece depicting why we should never trust the cheese eating surrender monkeys in the first place.
Makes you proud eh?

DD    

Boris Johnson has called for a giant bridge over the English Channel.....
???

.....he’s clearly been listening to too much Simon and Garfunkel

[Dingle-Dingle]

At an Army base, I was stopped by a guard,
who was only 5ft 4.
" Sorry, mate you're not allowed in here," he said.
I thought,"He's a little territorial."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

In a couple of years’ time, most people will have 20/20 vision.

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania. Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.

I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's extraordinarily useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable security bastard screws.

PREVENT birds shitting on the roof of your car by not calling them a slut on your first date.

Hip Hop Stars, do you like meat and veg wrapped in pastry? Move to Cornwall and live in a Ginsters Paradise..

Did you know that minus four degrees looks like a bloke taking a dump? -4°

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

I’m a bit worried! I attended a funeral today and caught the bloody wreath!

I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water.. Doctor says I’ve got selfie steam issues..

When visiting German bars Einstein only ever ordered one beer.

DD

[talkSAFT]

[Dingle-Dingle]

I met this girl at a party last night. She said people call her Vivaldi.
"Is that because you're a brilliant violinist?"I asked her.
"No" she said."My name is Viv and I work at Aldi"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3 . Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

13. What do people in China call their good plates?

14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

16. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

17. What do you call male ballerinas?

18. Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream??

19. If Wile E.Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?!!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

RED ALERT.....RED ALERT....RED ALERT....
If you're the owner of a pet Haggis,please be vigilant over the next 36 hours.
The Robert Burns Clan are finding it difficult to fulfil the demands for fresh wild Haggis for Thursdays festivities.It has been reported in certain areas that Haggis napping is on the increase
Please keep yours safe,it is recommended that you even take it to bed with you.Look out for the AMBER ALERTS.....
It is expected that it could be 10 days before it returns to GREEN ALERT...
Please be vigilant at all times.....>>>>>

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A man walks into a chemist store with his 10-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a pack of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Before I went in for my operation the nurse asked me for a contact number in case of an emergency.

I said 999.

DD