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The granddaughter wants a pony for Christmas. We usually have turkey, but I'm willing to give it a go. Does anyone have a good recipe?

DD

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A Chinese man moved to Yorkshire after years of living in Shanghai. He bought a small piece of land near Selby.
Soon after, his friendly Yorkshire neighbour decided to go across and welcome the new guy. But on his way up to the house, the Yokrie saw the Chinese man running around his front garden chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.
The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later Yorkie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Yorkie couldn't take it any more, so he went up to the Chinese and said, 'eh oop lad, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'
The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I doing these Yorkshire customs.'
'Wot thee on about lad' said Yorkie, 'those aren't Yorkshire customs.'
'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man. 'He say to become true Yorkshire man, you learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit!".....

DD

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A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said, "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.....

DD

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The downside of being a bomb disposal technician is that
it takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents.

DD

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I turned up to my blind date thirty minutes late.

I said, "Sorry I'm late, I got stuck in work."

"That's okay," she smiled. "Where do you work?"

I replied, "In a glue factory."

DD

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"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh," he replied.

"They don't xxxx around at Air Traffic Control," I said.

DD

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The other day a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming,

So I too decided to go to the local mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.

At the time I was limping a little. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you WILL walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside, and bugger me, he was right,

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MY CAR WAS GONE!!!

DD

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I`m going to watch Mission Impossible with the G/F later.............
She`s joining Slimming World.

DD

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I have OCD which severely affects my sex life. Every time I turn a girl on, I turn them off again.

Theresa May refuses to fly on Ryannair, as they would charge her for the bags under her eyes.

Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my G/F?

New for 2018 -- we can’t say Gingerbread Man anymore, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now.

I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in a greasy delicious hamburger cuddled in a stodgy bun.

Panicked thinking -- did I leave the fireplace video running?

They say the pain during child birth is so great, a woman can almost imagine what a man with a cold feels like.

Why does the adjective ‘indescribable’ even exist? As soon as you say something is indescribable, you’ve just described it, thus rendering it non-indescribable, I think, xxxx knows where this one is going!

Men are like fires. If not watched, they go out.

When JK Rowling wrote Fantastic Beasts and Where to find them, she had obviously never been to Primark.

Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

Wine, because blokes just love confusing texts at 3am!

DD

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Did you know that Percy Shaw was driving in his car at night when his headlights shone on a cat walking towards him, in his headlights the cats eyes lit up,,,,,this is how he came to the idea which led to him eventually to invent the cats eye making himself and his family millions!! Now history dictates it is very fortunate that the cat was walking towards him as had it been walking away from him, he would have invented the mechanical pencil sharpener!!!!.....

DD