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Aluminium foil prevents people from reading your mind, which explains why nobody ever bloody knows what a baked potato is thinking.
My 18 year old son is an immature wanker. He still believes that the white haired, bearded, jolly old bloke is going to give him loads of free shit that's going to magically appear and never have to be paid for. Or 'Jeremy Corbyn' as he likes to be called.
. I wonder if Meghan has noticed that " Royal Wedding" is an anagram of "Dead Girly Now"
MEGHAN MARKLE: Ignore Prince Philip, he's only joking. Probably.
Ladies, struggling to think of a xmas present for your man? Simply check his search history on his computer for some great ideas.
I'm a bit confused with this Rohypnol I bought. On the packet it says, "Best Before Date", but then there's no numbers or anything.
Ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD.
Relationship tip #25: Don't get upset with him when he leaves the toilet seat up. This actually helps you because by leaving it up, he enables you to see when the underneath of the seat needs cleaning without him having to mention it to you.
To apply for a job with Citroen it is necessary to send 2CVs
The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9mm bullet.
Always have an opinion. Then do it your G/F's way like you were bloody told to in the first place.
DD 
Ubique.
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I scared the postman today by showing up completley naked at the door.
I`m not sure what scared him more, the fact I was naked or that I knew where he lived.....
DD 
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Just opened an Elvis Presley themed steakhouse.
It`s for people who love meat tender.
DD 
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FATHER Christmas has been rushed to elf accident and emergency following an incident in his workshop where it is believed he tore a huge gash in his beloved sack.
Santa, currently old as time itself, was said to be working quadruple overtime ahead of the peak Christmas rush when the accident occurred, as his bright red sack accidentally brushed against a sharp piece of metal jutting out of the side of an unfinished iPhone X.
“I knew I should have outsourced this kind of thing to the kids in Malaysia,” cried Santa, clutching his sack while trying to keep the stuffing within from falling out.
“What am I going to do with my sack now? Can it be repaired? Can it be sewn up? What if I’m delivering toys and I go down a chimney too fast… will it re-tear itself? What if I lose a ball?”
Elf surgeons have worked tirelessly throughout the night to repair the sack, a delicate process that required dozens of finely knitted stitches while Santa anaesthetised himself with a large number of cookies dipped in ice-cold milk.
“We patched up his ho, ho, hole,” said head surgeon Shane Elf.
“He just has to be careful from now on. He’s getting old, he may not realise that his sack might be hanging a bit lower than it used to. You gotta hold that thing up when you’re working”.
If you have torn your sack at work, you may be entitled to compensation. Write a letter outlining your accident to Santa, NOW.
DD  (No santa smileys)
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Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST element yet known to science. AND yes ... it was discovered in Brussels, which is now the leading producer.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.
DD 
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As a responsible dog owner I am increasingly amazed at the range of colours and designs on dog poo bags, so much so I decided to collect one of each and keep them in a scrap book. I am now struggling to close the book.....would I have been better off using empty ones?
DD 
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Name your new dog "Goaway" and watch its head explode. "C'mere Goaway, C'mere Goaway"
WHILST enjoying a pint, I’ve just overheard a group of students claim they were excited about an upcoming ‘rag week’. If it’s anything like the bastard I have to deal with on a monthly basis, they’re heading for one hell of a xxxx miserable disappointment.
BBC News: Glitter Banned From Children's Nurseries. I should bloody well think so, after what they found on his hard drive.
It was all very well Jesus knocking rich people, but remind me again, who got a gold bar and posh aftershave for his first birthday? (Sorry BV)
I wonder, could you use a 3D printer to make a 3D printer? Then they would become self-aware and then we are proper fucked!
Things you can say about your car but not your partner, “She died a week ago but I am still using some of the parts”
Me: I know this is random but Dom or Sub?
Gf: I guess Domino’s, I don’t go to Subway that much, I still can’t understand why you would put them in the same category anyway.
Me: Sigh
Test the strength of your relationship and the fragility of your G/F's mental state by placing a xxxx bauble in the WRONG xxxx PLACE on the Christmas tree
Get an overweight female dog so you can get away with saying, "You fat bitch" when your G/F is in the room.
Completely amaze and astound house guests by having the correct time on your oven's display.
To ensure all your Xmas presents are wrapped ready for the big day, start looking for the end of the sellotape now.
When women get to a certain age they start to collect cats, this is known as the many paws.
DD
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09-12-2017, 14:55
(This post was last modified: 09-12-2017, 18:12 by Dingle-Dingle.)
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my G/F and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a******e . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.
So my G/F called him a s**t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window which read
"I support Jeremy Corbyn "
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
DD 
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During my annual physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day.
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk for about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just shit at golf."
DD
Ubique.
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