[Salopbaggie]

Went to the doctors this morning, I asked him "do you treat alcoholics?", "of course we do" he replied. "Great" I said "any chance of taking me to the pub I'm skint."

[silverbaggie]

A very elderly man was sitting on a park bench and crying his eyes out.

Eventually a kind lady went up to him and asked him what was wrong.

"It's my 100th birthday today" he said, "and all my friends and neighbours are coming to my house for a big celebration"
"There'll be champagne and good food and, I'm told they've arranged a couple of gogo dancers to perform for me"

"Well" said the kind lady, "I don't understand why you are crying, what's wrong".

The old man wiped away a tear and said sadly " I can't remember where I live".

[Dingle-Dingle]

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday.

So I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.

Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Name the venue and year that a boxer had a shit on the floor straight after being awarded the title………………… Answer at the bottom.

TV advertisers, remember at Christmas that we aren't interested in your products at all, we just want you to fight to the death to see who can enchant us the most.

Wimbledon Common public toilets attract the weirdest people. The guy in the trap next to me has four feet and two of them are dislocated!

After almost a year in a coma I am having to learn the basics again. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed myself, and how not to argue with my G/F at the top of the stairs.

Marriage! Been there, done that, she's got the tee shirt.

Christmas must be close; I've just seen my first Cadbury creme egg.

The white trails behind high flying aircraft are not Government inspired Chem trails but the result of people smoking in the toilets.

Women are saying the Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG) no longer exists. They’re right. I’m a Caring Understanding Nice Type of a guy.

“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word. Unless you’re Chinese, then it’s “squirrel”…

. When alone in a lift with a stranger, take their hand, to reassure them you're not a threat...

Motorists. Pretend you're on a rollercoaster by sticking your hands in the air as you drive past a speed camera.

............. Crufts 1987.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Just about sums things up…

David Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Michel Barnier the membership secretary sees him.

"Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".

"I have already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..

"Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"

In Mr Barnier’s office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club? "Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".

"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". "As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".

"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!

"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. "There is also your bar bill".

"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.

"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked".. "You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year". "You therefore owe us £2600 for the year"..

"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis. "No of course not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.

"Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers". "Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".

"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis.

"No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"

"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".

"Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"

"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week", your share of the bill is £2000".

"I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".

"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension". "We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month". "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it". "This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.

"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not being served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"

"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.

"Pxxs off!" says Mr Davis.

Now we understand what Brexit is all about.

DD

[silverbaggie]

I thought that political statements weren't allowed on here but, assuming they are:-

DD:- you forgot about the requirement for all golf club members both present and future having the right to go to Mr Davis' house and expect dinner and accommodation on demand.

[4evaabaggie]

Why do policemen have the biggest balls?

Because they sell the most tickets.

[silverbaggie]

Just got this message on a call filtering system:-

Hello and welcome to the psychiatric hotline:-

If you are obsessive compulsive: please Press 1 repeatedly.

If you are a co-dependent; please ask someone else to Press 2.

If you have multiple personalities: please press 3,4,5 & 6

If you still think that Tone is doing a good job press # and, the men in the white coats will be with you shortly.

[Dingle-Dingle]

It must be nearly Christmas again........ The bin men are saying......

"Bozego Narodzenia".

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F says I`m tight.....

So to prove her wrong we went out for some tea and biscuits..

It was quite exciting really as she has never given blood before.

DD