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I went back to see my doctor today...
I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."....
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.....
I said, "On the bus."

DD

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I complained to my doctor about some supposiriees that he prescribed me .
I said to him that they tasted disgusting !
What you mean you're swallowing them he said ?
Yes , and for all the good they do I might as well shove 'em up me arse !

DD

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I`ve just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon ....... I will let you know............ DD

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Oceans – ALL you Need to Know!!
Children Writing About the Ocean….

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6) (Mine too!!)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. what he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was very ill once and the doc said i needed absolute peace and quiet for at least 2 weeks.
He prescribed me some very strong Opium based tablets and said, "No more than 3 a day. Make sure you give the mother-in-law no more than 3."

DD

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I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to xxxx off and buy my own.

DD

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My laptop froze today and I couldn`t do anything with it. So in frustration I shook it like xxxx. At least the screen went blank.
It was only then I realised I had been playing with my Etch-A-Sketch.

DD

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Naughty Naughty....... NON PC.
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.Little Johnny arrives in class late one morning. "Sorry I`m late miss but I`ve been up Rose Hill".

A minute later little Tommy turns up with the same excuse.

Then a girl wanders in and the teacher says to her, "I suppose you`ve been up Rose hill as well"!

"No miss, I am Rose Hill".

DD

[drewks]

Shame on you DD, that's SOOOOOOOOOOOO

....erm.....

.....Rose Hillist

[Dingle-Dingle]

Thought i´d have a night in and watch a few episodes of The Walking dead.
It was only after 15 mins i realised that i had the wrong channel on and was watching The rolling Stones and Bob Geldof !

DD