[Salopbaggie]

The government are planning to phase out Roman numerals, not on my watch they won't!

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F has just had twins so I've had to leave her. There are some things I'm willing to forgive and forget.... but seeing her spit roasted by the Proclaimers isn't one of them.

DD

[4evaabaggie]

Isn't it shocking how expensive beauty treatments have got?

TP is prepared to pay €10 million for a Brazilian.

[Dingle-Dingle]

To the person who stole my shoes whilst I was on the bouncy castle......

Grow up will you.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I bought a massive fish at the supermarket today, and when I got it home I found all it`s insides were missing.
Gutted! DD

[silverbaggie]

There's a newspaper article going around that suggests drinking four or more cups of coffee each day, will prolong your life by several years.

Well:     My Uncle George used to drink 45 cups of coffee a day.

          He died on the first of November 2004 but we didn't realise it at the time because he didn't stop moving around until the spring of 2008.

[Dingle-Dingle]

I have a pet tree… It’s like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

ALWAYS carry a length of string in your pocket in case someone asks the inevitable question, and you'll have the answer.

My G/F just said to me, “Look at these, I’ve had them since we got engaged 20 years ago and they still fit me.”
I said, “It’s a xxxx scarf and a pair of flip flops you fat twat.”

If you Think Mayweather/Mcgregor was the biggest fight of the year, just wait until my G/F finds out I paid £100 to see it on pay for view.

I’m taking my G/F skydiving. So if you see a solar eclipse today, don’t be surprised.

A woman is not an object, do not treat it like one!!

. If you are going camping in the countryside Don't sleep in a little white tent, because whenever the police find a dead body it's always in one of them xxxx things.

Avoid running out of cigarette papers by opening them at the other side. When the running out slip appears you'll still have approximately 40 left.

DD Catch up time lol.

[Dingle-Dingle]

My Grandad was a WW11 veteran,
In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 xxxx aviators.
The worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Stairs, add a button for when someone gives you a 'like' you can give them a 'like' for 'liking' then they can give you a 'like' for 'liking' there 'like' and so on etc.

FFS. I’ve just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

I’ve just realised how evil a chicken omelette is. They kill a chicken. Chop it up and cook it inside it’s own babies.

Unsure whether to go Gluten and Dairy free? Ask in the office. There's bound to be someone who will tell you about the consistency of their shit since they gave up weetabix and dairylea dunkers.

Top Tip. Dutch Cheese Makers: to make your products taste better, try putting some xxxx cheese flavouring in them.

Accidentally put too much water in your rice? Simply add a mobile phone and leave it in the airing cupboard overnight

If you have two aggressive and slightly unhinged dogs, consider naming them Health and Safety. Should anyone get attacked by them, you can simply claim "It's Health and Safety gone mad".

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F said she`s sick of me talking like a newsreader........... More on that story later.

DD

[drewks]

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"