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10-07-2017, 22:57
(This post was last modified: 10-07-2017, 22:58 by silverbaggie.)
Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water - just to surprise my liver.
Husband: I’m afraid I have problems at work.
Wife: correcting him:-“Not I, but WE have problems - since we are married, your problems are my problems as well.”
Husband: “Ok. Then I wanted to let you know that our office-girl got pregnant by us.”
Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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I’ve been reading a book called ‘1,000 Sexual Positions’.
I’ve reached position #176.
And apparently, from now on, I’m going to need a Woman.
Any Takers Please..??
DD  
Ubique.
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There are two ways to understand women’s logic.
Unfortunately, neither of them works.
Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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Beefy came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded Beefy, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Beefy was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Beefy was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Beefy, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Beefy.
Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"Beefy, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed."
DD
Ubique.
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A mother had three virgin daughters. All three of them were getting married at the same time.
The mother was very worried about the start of her daughter's sexual life, and asked them all to send her at least a few words about how things were going.
Just two days after the wedding the first one sent a postcard from Hawaii. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe".
Her mother ran into the kitchen, found a jar of"Nescafe" coffee and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop".
The mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.
The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to her husband’s room, where she found his packet of cigars and read
"Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.
The third daughter had gone on honeymoon to the Caribbean. Mother was waiting for a week – nothing.
A week later - nothing again.
Only after month did she finally receive a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written. "British Airways".
Mother quickly found a holiday brochure and began to look for their advertising slogan, and to her horror read:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!"
Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Wolverhampton sat a Dingle. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him. After three or four beers, the gay man had the courage to say a few words to the Dingle. Leaning over towards him, he whispered,
"Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the Dingle leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the living hell out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered on the pavement outside and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the now out-of-breath Dingle, and said,
"I've never seen you react like that before. What on earth did he say to you?
"I don't know what it was he was saying exactly but the bastard was certainly threatening me," the Dingle replied,
"Something about a job ....."
DD
Ubique.
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A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £25 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the
wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £50 jar of face
cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the f***ing price'.
Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
DD
Ubique.
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I see that the new doctor who is a woman, that means for one week every month the earth is in serious trouble .....
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A man suggests to his wife, "Darling, shall we try swapping positions tonight."
"That's a great idea," she replies. "Why don't you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and break wind."
Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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