[Dingle-Dingle]

I went to the shop on my bike to buy some vodka.
When I got there I thought what if I fall off my bike and break the bottle so I drank all the bottle which turned out right because I fell off my bike several times going home.

DD

[silverbaggie]

This guy walks into a  bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm.
He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.  
They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.

The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" replies the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

[Dingle-Dingle]

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was in the pub last night and the barman said "Your glass is empty, do you want another"?

I looked up at him and said "Why the F237 would I want 2 empty glasses"??

DD

[silverbaggie]

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for over 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! "

"The guilt is killing me. "

"I just want you to help me forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Oh not again …”

[Dingle-Dingle]

Me and the Missus went to marriage guidance. They told us we should keep a diary of every time we have sex. So far she is winning 7 - 4.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I tried to log in on my iPad.
Turns out it was an Etch a Sketch and I dont own an iPad.
Also I`m out of beer.......

DD

[silverbaggie]

I was digging a big hole in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins.

I wanted to run straight into the house to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging a big hole in our garden.

[silverbaggie]

My Chinese friend got really sick last week and was rushed  to a hospital.

I went to visit him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then suddenly he died.

I was very sad and, after his funeral, I googled his last message to me.

Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube."

[Stairs]

A elderly man lay dying on his bed.

When he starts to smell the beautiful aroma of baking wafting up from the ground floor of his house. The smells are intoxocating and they take him back to his youth and when his mother used to bake all manner of wonderful pastries and tarts for his family to eat.

So taken by the smells, for the first time in what seemed weeks he felt it was possible to move. So he started to edge himself to the side of his bed and eventually through extreme effort he rolled with a thud onto the woooden floor.

Then slowly he managed to turn himself around and in considerable pain pulled himself along the floor onto the landing so he could look through the bannisters to see where the smell were coming from, maybe there had been a delivery.

He could see nothing but an empty hallway, so still in excruiating pain and with lots of effort he dragged himself along the landing to the top of the stairs before gently pulling himself over the first, very top, step of the staircase.
Suddenly his weight switched the tipping point and he ungraciously fell, arms and legs akimbo, all the way to the bottom of the stairs and was dumped like a rag pile onto the hall carpet.

Once the pain had receeded he looked around and sniffed the air.

The smells were originating from the kitchen. The door was ajar and so yet again he started dragged his aging and fragile body through the doorway and closer to teh source of all of the delicious smells.

Once in the kitchen, which was large, he came to the kitchen table. A large farmhouse table with thick legs like the trunks of Oak trees at each corner. The smell of baking was intense by this time and it was clear that the produce responsible for the smell was laid out on the table in fornt of him.

He gathered all of his strength for one final push and started pulling his frail body up a table leg. Gradually, bit by bit, he climbed until he was able to start to see plate after plate spread out across the table as far as he could see; Sponge cakes, scones, jam tarts, fruit cakes plus savouries such as suasage rolls and pies a plenty.

Taking a firm grip of the table top edge with one hand he stretched his other arm out as far as he could and took hold of a Jam tart.

Suddenly, there was a crack a wooden spoon across his knuckles and his wife appeared screaming

"Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!!!"