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Chap decides he's had enough of the rat race and joins the Monks on Caldey Island in order to live a simple quiet life. He's told they are a silent order but further advised he can say 2 words every Christmas Day to the Abbot but no more for a whole year.
So he settles into life on the island and learns to make candles, perfume and chocolate. He finds the silence and hours upon of hours of prayer and working the fields very difficult and can't wait for Christmas Day.
On his first Christmas Day he approaches the Abbot at the top table and says "MORE BLANKETS"
Abbot merely nods.
The following Christmas same thing but says "MORE SOAP"
The Abbot nods.
Year later "MORE SLEEP", the Abbot nods.
This goes on for 5 years and on his 5th Christmas he says to the Abbot "I'M LEAVING" to which the Abbot says "Thank God for that, you've done nothing but moan since you've been here!"
silverbaggie likes this post
BLACK COUNTRY BY BIRTH, ALBION BY THE GRACE OF GOD AND MY OLD MAN
You go in the cage? cage goes in the water, sharks in the water....Our Shark 
Ultrinque Paratus
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Three football teams (Arsenal, Liverpool, and a non league team called Hartsfield Untd) are flying from England across Egypt for a pre season tournament in the Middle East.
Unfortunately the plane crashes in the desert but somehow they all survive.
After days of wandering in the desert, they are really hungry so when they find a camel, the footballers all decide to kill it and eat it.
The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver."
The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart."
The Arsenal players look at one another and someone says, "I think we might need to go hungry..." 
Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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My G/F has two problems.......
1 Nothing to wear.
2 No room for all her clothes.
DD 
Ubique.
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Two Scots Lassies, Mary and Agnes were conversing in the local park in the Glasgow.
Mary said, "When my first child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful house in Kirkintilloch".
Agnes commented, "That nice".
Mary continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a Jaguar car"
Again, Agnes commented, "That nice".
Mary went on to boast, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this beautiful diamond necklace."
Again, Agnes commented, "That nice."
Mary then asked Agnes, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child"?
Agnes replied, "He sent me to Charm school."
"Charm school !!! Mary smiled in amazement, "For goodness sake, Agnes, what on earth for"?
Agnes responded, "So that instead of saying ' Does it look like I give a xxxx', I learned to say, That nice."
DD
Ubique.
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There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Paris.
She was in the economy class, but soon after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there.
An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here."
The blonde replied, "I can and I will."
So the attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy."
"You can't make me move." she insisted
The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it still didn't work.
Finally, a male passenger who had heard what had been going on asked the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because, as he explained, he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her.
After a quick chat with her, she moved.
The shocked attendant asked him how he has managed to do it.
The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Paris."
Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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The G/F said "Eh pet, what do you think I should do with these week old baps"?
I replied. "You could try doing a few press ups. failing that plastic surgery".
Guess who`s in the doghouse.
DD
Ubique.
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Dante, in his Inferno, posited that the ninth level of Hell was a lake of ice known as Cocytus with the damned encased in ice to progressively greater depths.
So in reality, a snowball's chance in Hell is actually 1 in 9.
DD
Ubique.
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Some women like flowers, others like something a little more sexy, so I’ve combined the two. Hope my G/F likes her daffodildo.
DD
Ubique.
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One day little Sally came home from school with a big smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a relieved smile, Sally's mom asked, "Oh really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No, salty."
Mom fainted. 
Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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They said I couldn`t drink or operate heavy machinery on my medication..
But here I am. Driving a forklift..... Sipping on a can of beer...... Lifting up the Boss`s car.
DD
Ubique.
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