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A teacher is talking to her class of 10 year olds and she sees that little Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him,
"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, the answer is two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" 
Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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My G/F came home with a vibrator started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"
Guess who had to put the batteries in.?
DD 
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Ubique.
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Sarah is at school, and the English teacher says to her class, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah that's right but, that's a bit of a mouthful."
Sarah says, "No, no, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." 
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Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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16-05-2017, 21:03
(This post was last modified: 16-05-2017, 21:06 by Dingle-Dingle.)
(16-05-2017, 08:15)silverbaggie Wrote: Sarah is at school, and the English teacher says to her class, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah that's right but, that's a bit of a mouthful."
Sarah says, "No, no, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Oi thats one of mine from the old site lol. DD 
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin in it`s place.
Bloody Bluetooth Fairy.
DD
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SORRY DD didn't mean to steal one of your jokes even if it was from way back!!!
Try this one instead:-
Little Johnny was at school and the English teacher said, "Someone use the word fascinate in a sentence."
Sally was the first to answer, "The zoo visit was fascinating."
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo."
Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Little Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater."
"What" said the teacher, "Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence. That's not even close."
Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
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At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away.
A whim away, a whim away a whim away.
That will be in your head all day now.
DD
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Five out of six people agree that playing Russian Roulette is safe.
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I said to my four-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"
"Miaow!"
"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"
"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"If you even think about going out to that fcukin pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
"That's my boy.".
DD
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A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
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The kids all threw up when I told them I`d put Ginger in the curry.
They loved that cat.
DD
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