[Dingle-Dingle]

There was a band on in the pub tonight. They do covers of Bad Manners and Madness, so the have called themselves Badness.

It`s a good job they don`t do covers of Dire Straits and Chris Rea.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

ASDA have now started doing private circumsicions.

It all started with their roll back promotion.

DD

[Salopbaggie]

Thoughts for today;

Before your criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

I couldn't figure out why the football kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones...... But people in Abu Dhabi do!

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

I went bobsleighing the other day, I killed 250 bobs.

I have the heart of a lion................ and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

This is my step ladder................. I never knew my real ladder.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is; One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend said to me: "What rhymes with orange"................................ I said: "no it doesn't"

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I have an EpiPen............... My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

[Dingle-Dingle]

I said to my mate, "My G/F opened the door in just her Bra and Knickers last night."
"Jeez. That must have been good."
"Not really".
"She was the one coming home"..!!..

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”…


Wait… these are from my G/F......

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Guess who`s in the doghouse again.......

To spice up our sex life the G/F said she would dress up as my favourite Star Wars character.
After walking into the bedroom and seeing her I said. " Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite character"!.
She replied. "F"*& off you cheeky B*$7*^d I haven`t got changed yet."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F really hates it when I swap the wrappers on her chocolate bars at home.

She really gets her snickers in a twix about it.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F gas told me that I don`t satisfy her anymore....

Probably because I`m not a cake shop!!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F gave me an ultimatum.....

She said I had to choose between her and my obsession with Elvis Presley.

Looks like she`s going to be lonesome tonight.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

"Do you remember that arguement twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my G/F.
"Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle.
"I've just finished mne " I replied.

DD