[Dingle-Dingle]

There is a new laxative out for men.

It`s called "Women".

It won`t soften your stool but it will irritate the S"!7 out of you.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some black thread.

It’s a flat and dead thread now, though!

DD

[BaggieMan]

A letter to home...

Dear Mum

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.  Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Jimmy xx

[Dingle-Dingle]

I called 999 for an ambulance today.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator.

"I stubbed my toe on the coffee table." I replied.

"And you want an ambulance for that?" he said.

I said, "No, it's for my G/F, she shouldn't have laughed."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I just got 15 Valentine`s cards.
It`s left me completly breathless.....

That security guard at Clinton`s cards gave quite a chase.

DD

[Salopbaggie]

Wife just called me saying she was having a hard day but on her way home. She asked, being as it is Valentines Day would I pull her some hot water and not to forget the bubbles.

I hope she will be happy.

[Salopbaggie]

My alarm went off this morning, so I turned it off and closed my eyes, but couldn't get back to sleep.

It was a Fake snooze!

[Dingle-Dingle]

I`ve just come home from my local Asda where I saw a driver park a car across three spaces.

Now I`m not sexist so I`m not going to speculate on what gender she was.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F is always complaining that I'm too easily distracted whilst having sex with her.
Ah well, better get back to it I suppose.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

This got me wondering.....

If a woman is always right...

Who wins when Lesbians argue??

DD