[talkSAFT]

Conversation between a married couple:

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Errrrr.....Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay for a pint?
Man: £3.50
...........(this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking since we got married?
Man: 30 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs £3.50 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at £300. In one year, it would be approximately £3,600. Correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend £3,600, not accounting for inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending at over £100,000. Ccorrect?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in an ISA
and after accounting for compound interest for the past 30 years, you could have now bought an aerorplane?

Pause........

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.

Man: Where's your aeroplane?

[Dingle-Dingle]

The best way to get your true weight is to get on the scales naked.
It's also the reason I'm banned from my local chemists..

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

"I was very naive sexually when younger. My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary
So I buggered off to Africa for 6 months.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: ‘That’s some reindeer’ he says.

The Queen replies: ’63 years. Yes, it seems like fcukin forever.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Dolly Parton and her bra designer haven't spoken in weeks.

It's been that way since the two fell out.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

During a visit to the mental home, Beefy asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?”

“Well,” said the Director, “We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” Beefy said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

DD

[BBB]

Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: ‘That’s some reindeer’ he says.

The Queen replies: ’63 years. Yes, it seems like fcukin forever.

DD    

Queen: It's better than hail stones, dear!

[Dingle-Dingle]

I`ve finally found the Christmas spirit.

It was on aisle 6 in Tesco`s.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Thinking of a good mate after losing his job today. After seven years of medical training and hard work he has been struck off after one minor incident and I think it's bullshit to be fair . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F said "Darling, do I please you in bed?"

I said "Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth".

She said "What trick?"

"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!!"

DD