[St Charles Owl]

I just wished more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of the police.

DD    

More??? I just wish ANY of mine involved sex!!!!!

[Dingle-Dingle]

One of the presenters on Children in Need just said, "Pick up your phone and pledge."
I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the xxxx I'm supposed to do next?

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately...... The most common one seems to be ......"You said you'd be home from the pub three fuckin hours ago!"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

It was the happiest day of my life, I walked into the church, my wife waiting for me at the altar. I walked down the aisle, walked up to her, kissed her on the head and shut the lid...

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I came back from the pub last night to find all the doors and windows wide open and eveything gone.......

If I find the sod who took all the chocolates out of my Advent calendar I will kill them.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I've just put all of my Dogging equipment on eBay. .

There's been no bids yet but there's 12 people watching...

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I`d love to get a job cleaning mirrors.

It`s something I can see myself doing all day.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A mild numbing headache, a generous sprinkle of nausea, a strange feeling of guilt and a slight loss of memory................

This is no ordinary hangover, this is a M&S hangover!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be.
I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F asked me for a pet spider for Christmas, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

DD