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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
DD 
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I was sat at the computer earlier and I called out to the G/F... "When I die I`m going to leave everything to you"
She answered "You already do, You lazy Barsteward"
DD 
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I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.
A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
The flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
DD 
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The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
DD 
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Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn. A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing.
As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the arse with it Bruce jumps up and runs out side.
Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said "I didn't think you had it in you Mary".
"Neither did I Dad" said Mary "until you hit him on the arse with the shovel..."
DD 
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A man with a fetish for very large women walks into a brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I want a really large woman - as big as possible.'
He is shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head - 'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.'
He is shown another, even more enormous woman. 'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give me the biggest woman you have!'.
He is shown the biggest woman who works in the brothel. She is unbelievably big - 'That's more like it!'
He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presently is on top of her going about satisfying his sexual desires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning, he suddenly stops and says to the woman - 'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?'
To which the woman replies 'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me unattractive.'
To which the man replies - 'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my ass!'
DD
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I don`t understand the point of Lap Dancing clubs.
If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I`d stay at home with the G/F.
DD 
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Bought some of those glow in the dark condoms the other day.......
The G/F was so happy her face lit up.
DD
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There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."
DD
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(17-09-2015, 01:38)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."
DD
http://youtu.be/ETz0elhKvkM
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