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An exhausted woman goes to see the doctor...who asks her how she is sleeping.
She says, not much, because I like having sex.
The doctor asks her how often she has sex.
She replies, Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
She says, I can't. It's the only night I am home with my husband.
DD 
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How do you sell beans for the price of beef?
Make vegan burgers.
DD 
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I enter the elevator after a long day at work and a very attractive Blonde woman sneaks if after me. I politely smile as she selects her floor.
She smiles back and says to me "TGIF!" to which I politely reply "S-H-I-T".
A very puzzled looks comes upon her face but she once again says "TGIF", to which I reply "S-H-I-T".
By this point she is quite stunned and while all flustered and confused and says "TGIF, Thank goodness it's Friday"
To which I say "Sorry Honey It's Thursday"
DD
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I was at an Italian restaurant last Friday...
Me: "I'll just have the Paggione".
Waitress: "That says 'page one', sir."
DD 
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10-01-2020, 20:55
(This post was last modified: 10-01-2020, 20:56 by Salopbaggie.)
A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose only one item from the store and can not go back to a lower floor, except to exit the building!
A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs - She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. - 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. - 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. - She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and are all just want, want, want. No wonder you are on you own, you deserve being left on the shelf. Now bugger off! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a shag whenever you fancy. No one has ever been to the the third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors.
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I was in a pub in faraway Tettenhall last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."
I replied "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes."
I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
DD 
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping"
DD
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13-01-2020, 12:47
(This post was last modified: 13-01-2020, 12:48 by Dingle-Dingle.)
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Aer lingus" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Aer Lingus?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Aer Lingus's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to Premier Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a multi million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
DD 
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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Dave, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'
DD 
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: (13-01-2020, 13:54)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Dave, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'
DD
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