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If you get your Missus pregnant in the next 2 weeks, you can get paternity leave for Euro 2020,

DD

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My G/F said "You know if I ever got Alzheimer's I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me" .

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

DD

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were 50
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

DD

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Had the world`s worst mind reader act in the pub last night.
He` said to me "Think of a card and visualise it in your mind".
I said "Ok".
"9 of diamonds"?
"No".
"3 of clubs"?
"No".
"Ace of spades"?
"No"
"I give up, what was it"? he asked.
"Happy Birthday" I replied.

DD

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Some have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 turrets at various heights, windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighbourhood. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The Building Inspector and Planning Officer told me, 'Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!’
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday.

DD

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Asking for a friend.......

Will my continental quilt still work after we leave Europe on 31 October??

DD

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The missus was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, when she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least," I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled. "Thanks, babe, I'm flattered."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!

DD

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Hippo`s can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

DD

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Most females don`t answer video calls after 9 pm because their face has been reset to factory settings.

Dd

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My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.

I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times.

So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from Smethwick police station. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.

My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

DD