[Dingle-Dingle]

My daughter asked me if I'd like to wind the baby, 'F*ck me' I thought, 'the cruel bitch.'
I couldn't do it, so I just gave him a dead leg instead.

It would save me a lot of time if my local Tesco just had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap."

It was lucky I went to see a fortune teller today.......she warned me that somebody was going to swindle me.
I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.

A new device has been invented to reduce the noise made inside your car by 95%......It fits right over her mouth.

Weirdly, I seem to play loud music at the same time my neighbour bangs stuff against the wall.
Spooky.

MUMS.
Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
They won't know what to believe...

One for Beefy...
What's worse than having a girlfriend with no tits?
Having tits and no girlfriend...

I was driving my car yesterday, when a banging/grinding noise suddenly came from the engine.
Luckily it stopped when I turned the radio up.

Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they, "Need a life"?

Please, no more jokes about Aretha Franklin being dead.
All I'm asking... is a little respect.

I never think twice about helping others in need.
In fact, I never think once about it.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible.....

But 8 beers and 7 shots in 2 hours goes down like a fat kid on a see-saw.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes !" she said "He's got one hanging there"!
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50...................... He's the Window cleaner!"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I know the voices in my head are not real but.......
They have some damned good ideas.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Fool people into thinking you work on the Boots make up counter by simply painting yourself orange, covering yourself in perfume and applying makeup with a garden spade.

Suspected Islamist terrorist runs over three cyclists in London. Got mixed emotions about who I should be siding with there.

If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants

Thrifty shoppers. Save cash when buying apples in the supermarket by removing the stalks to reduce the weight. You'll be smiling all the way to the checkout on your 176th visit as you effectively claim your free apple.

Whatever you do, don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle.

I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my G/.F's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar.

Welcome to the first ever Exaggerators Club meeting. All 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 of you.

Frighten the xxxx out of the new missus by phoning her and saying 'if the police contact you, we've never met and you don't know me' before abruptly hanging up.

Always remember to bring back a bottle of tap water from your holiday in Turkey for when your mother in law comes around for dinner.

New Birthday cards available in Primark, "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"

Meatloaf was inspired to write the line "You were licking your lips and your lipstick was shining, I was dying just to ask for a taste" after watching his dog washing himself.

Ann Alogy, I don't know what I metaphor.

Apparently all the pidgeons fly upside down in Wolverhampton, theres nothing worth shitting on.

What ever you do, always give 100%, unless of course you are donating blood!

I text’d my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. xxxx me, now Its awkward, twat holds my hand during meetings.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!

DD

[Salopbaggie]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,

“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”....

[talkSAFT]

Dingle must be on hols.


Not a joke, this, and PC will probably be thumbing through their Instruction Manuals to see if it's Incorrect or not.......but......
do these 20-stone women have to pay double for their tattoos? (covering a bigger arm/leg area, you see.)
Genuine question, and I wonder if they take the extra money out of their Child Benefits.

[Dingle-Dingle]

An old bloke hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.
The hitman says, "I'll shoot her just below her left boob."
The husband replies, "I want her dead not kneecapped!"

A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, what's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"To be honest it feels like I'm talking to a xxxx brick wall!

My new girlfriend got upset yesterday because she thinks that I don't like her cooking.....
So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy......

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "then stand over there against the wall."Then the priest asked the second man, "do you want to go to heaven?"
Certainly, Father," was the man"s reply."Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.Then Father Murphy walked up to O"Toole and said, "do you want to go to heaven?O"Toole said, "No, I don"t Father."
The priest said, "I don"t believe this. You mean to tell me that, when you die, you don"t want to go to heaven?
"O"Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

John O"Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here"s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here"s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John"s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he"s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A drunk staggers into the pub and orders whiskey.
"No," says the bartender. "You're already drunk, and you stiffed me for your tab last time you were here. Leave or I call the police.'
"Wait," slurs the drunk. "If you'll give me a couple drinks, I'll get up on the bar and fart 'Danny Boy' for you."
Before the bartender can say no, a howl of agreement goes up from the others sitting at their stools. One even offers to cover the Drunkard's' previous tab.
"OK", grumbles the barkeep. He pours 2 whiskeys, and the drunk slowly drinks them down.
"Up on the bar. let's hear 'Danny Boy'."
The drunk climbs up onto the bar top, with the help of the bartender himself.
He stands, drops his pants, bends over and "PTTTHHH" out drops a load of s**t, covering the bar, stools, and the drunk's own legs.
"WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING?!!" screams the barman as he jumps backwards.
"Hey," replies the drunk. "Even Sinatra had to clear his throat."

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who'd had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying bastard!" she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant.
What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!

Christianity; The popular belief that a celestial Jewish baby who is also his own father, born from a virgin mother, died for three days so that he could ascend to heaven on a cloud and then make you live forever only if you symbolically eat his flesh, drink his blood and telepathically tell him you accept him as your lord & master so he can remove an evil force from your spiritual being that is present in all humanity because an immoral woman made from a man's rib was hoodwinked by a talking reptile possessed by an malicious angel to secretly eat forbidden fruit from a magical tree. Sounds perfectly xxxx plausible to me..

If it's your birthday this week, take heart in knowing you were the result of a Christmas party shag on the photocopier.

My grandfather was treated horrifically in the Concentration Camps........... passed over for promotion time and time again.

God has the power to end world hunger but apparently all he does is watch you masturbate!

BREAKING: Dentists are about to go on strike. Brace yourselves!

L'Oréal - because she's a pretentious xxxx that thinks money grows on trees...

FOOTBALL fans. Buy a programme at the start of each match to save yourselves having to sing "who are you?" to your opposition. It tells you on the back you twats.

"Three out of every four marriages end up in failure. If you were going skydiving and you were told three out of the four parachutes won't open would you still fecking jump?"…….."No, but I'd let the missus have a go!"

“Life's too short”, another saying that won't stand up in court as a defence for inappropriate genital touching on public transport...

Pretend you're a former tennis player when you're at the supermarket by inspecting a couple of apples, before putting one in your pocket and throwing the other as hard as you can at a child.

Unemployed? Retired? Convince your neighbours that you have a busy and fulfilling working week by firing up your bloody lawn mower every bloody weekend at 8am.

A celebrity chef just asked: "Where would we be without olive oil?" My suggestion is: "watching Popeye wanking"

I think my neighbour is growing some vegetables in his car....He's been sat in there with the hose pipe for hours now!

I think my gran has Alzheimer's. She called me Dave earlier when my name is Pete. Either that or she's thinking of someone else when we're having sex.

SINGLE men. When expecting female company at home, be sure to leave a carefully-placed tape measure in view with the tape pulled out to 9-and-a-half inches.

No matter how bad your job is, remember Diane Abbott has a gynecologist.

According to National Geographic magazine, spiders web silk is so strong that a strand the thickness of a pencil would be able to stop a Jumbo jet in flight. That is an amazing fact, but what is even more mind boggling is how strong a spider's arse nip must be to crimp that stuff off.

Did you know, the Blue whales vagina is so wide and deep 5-6 people could lay down in it, making it the worlds second biggest xxxx after Jeremy Corbyn

WIFE beaters. When hitting your wife, get hold of a crocodile, a string of sausages and a policeman to recreate some of that seaside magic for the kids.

Back in my day we didn't have Snapchat. If you wanted to show a girl your cock you went to the park in a trenchcoat.

I'll never forget my grandfathers last words: "Stop shaking the ladder you little twat"

Piglet: “Pooh bear I'm confused, are you male or female” ?? Pooh: “ How dare you ask me my gender you xxxx free range bacon bit”

Propaganda = What a Cockney does when they really look at something !

WHAT is it with teachers? They complain that kids lead sedentary lives and don't get enough exercise, then they bollock them off for running in the corridors

DOES the Tardis have a toilet on board, or does the Doctor just travel back in time to when he didn't need a shit?

ZOO keepers - Provide added entertainment for your visitors by running round with a rifle and a panicked expression, asking people if they saw "which way it xxxx went".

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that's a different xxxx God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

According to Psychology Today magazine, women spend 12,000 hours of their lives crying. Whereas blokes spend exactly the same amount of time not knowing what the xxxx they've done wrong.

Politicians with tourette syndrome.. Stop using that old polite phrase "the right honorable gentleman" and just say "that lying ballbag over there" instead!

As me and the G/F headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."

So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

I was watching TV with my Gran when a sex scene came on.

Disgusted, she said,

"Back in my day, we wouldn't have allowed that.

"I asked, "Sex scenes?

"She replied, "No, shaven fannies."

I am always so anxious the first time a woman see's me naked. I always think she will scream and run out of the park

Little Jimmy has been naughty during school lunch so he is made to sit at the teacher's table.
"Pass the motherfucking salt," he says after a minute or two.
"Jimmy!" shouts the headmaster. "Would you say something like that in front of your own mother at the dinner table?"
Little Jimmy thinks for a second. "No," he admits. "But then the fat xxxx knows how to season xxxx lasagne."

I went down to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today.

I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled out a form to fill out.

She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, 'A folding bottle.'

She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'

'A fottle.'

'What else do you have there?'

'A folding carton.'

'OK, what do you call it?'

'A farton.'

She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.'

I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...

I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!! Inbox me if you have any questions. I have everything listed below...

zimmer frames, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, walking stick/canes, disposable diapers etc etc. What was your dirty mind thinking?

News anchor: "ln tonight's top story, a bi-genderqueer gluten free man who identifies as a straight woman and a free range self proclaimed feminist who was born a woman but identifies as a pansexual man and author of the book ‘He raped me with his eyes and got away with it' have given birth to a healthy baby Xi, who they claim, at 2 weeks old, identifies as a lime green Crayola crayon,

Parents of dyslexic kids, don't even bother buying them alphabetti spaghetti. Total waste of money.

Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My Mum was right about you" to get the upper hand.

If you suck at playing the trumpet that’s probably why!

xxxx me. Not seen Serena Williams that emotional since she went to the chair in The Green Mile.

I’ve never actually made it to the end of a porn film, what happens? Do they cuddle, then the plumber fixes the sink and leaves?

Sometimes I think it's about time I grew up, and acted more mature. But then I remembered, it's almost conker season.

New health food restaurant just opened in Glasgow. "I Can't Believe It's Not Battered"

I've just found out, If you turn a tortoise upside down and spin it round on the floor as fast as you can......It doesn't xxxx like it.

Out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding “Jesus” after “Happy Birthday.”

Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. But David Beckham like to takes his out in public.

People from Wolverhampton speak with a distinctive accent which can make certain expressions ambiguous.............for instance, 'half hearted' can mean 'lacking enthusiasm' or 'I have just broken wind'...

Spice enthusiasts of Manchester's Piccadilly Gardens: Make money by leaving a hat by your feet before your next hit. By the time you reboot, Hey presto! There should be enough change to have another go.

Men, if you ever find yourself with an inappropriate boner that may cause embarrassment, simply think about your mum naked! **Please note, this doesn't work if you live in Wolverhampton! **

Wearing a t-shirt at the gym with the words personal trainer on will enable you to inappropriately touch anyone you want, even yourself!

After Brexit, Chris Eubank must legally become Chris Bank.

Its been so long since I’ve had sex I don’t recall who gets tied up and spanked?

Deer Grammer xxxx. Im Playcing this hear to spacifikally distroy you're intire day. May korecting this imige be the onely thing you thinc abowt all fukcing weak.

Aeroflot, probably best to stop selling counterfeit duty-free, perfumes, on your flights for weekend breaks to Salisbury.

Blokes. Make an attempt to show your more feminine side to your friends by calling them 'Chick' or 'hun' like your girlfriend does to hers and see how long it takes until you get kicked in the xxxx nuts.

Curlers - Learn to slide the thing the right distance in the first place so you can get rid of those tossers with the brooms.

CHANGE a wasp into a firefly by setting light to its arse.

DD

[drewks]

Welcome back DD! I was going to ask where you'd been but see that you've been busy compiling the longest joke post known to man!