[Dingle-Dingle]

YES ENGLISH CAN BE WEIRD...........

But it can be understood through tough thorough thought though. DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My G/F's just texted me giving me the go ahead to go out after work, get pissed with my mates and finish off with a curry before finally heading home.
The actual text read "My Mum's coming for tea."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Just been to ASDA with the G/F when all of a sudden, out of the blue she said, "You`re a real lazy so and so"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

DD

[Worldclassalbion]

Dear Dierdre........'I was in my bedroom looking out of the window at my gorgeous neighbour who was sunbathing topless in her garden. She has a magnificent body. So I decided to 'knock one out' when I turned around I saw my wife standing in the doorway staring at me, IS SHE A PERVERT?'

[Dingle-Dingle]

The G/F just hobbled into the kitchen and said "Didn`t you just hear me fall down the stairs"?

I said "Sorry Love..... I thought it was the start of Eastenders".........

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

1, Put both the lid and the toilet seat up and add half a cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2, Pick up the cat and sooth him while walking slowly towards the bathroom.
3, In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid, you may need to stand on the lid.
4, At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noise coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying it.
5, Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "Power" wash and rinse.
6, Have someone open the front door to your house. Be sure there are no people between the front door and bathroom.
7, Stand well back, behind the toilet, and quickly lift the lid.
8, The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run out side where he will dry himself off.
9, Both the cat and the toilet will be sparkling clean.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Bought the G/F a Pug dog.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat & being ugly as hell the dog seems to like her!!!

DD

[BaggieMan]

Maurice Setters

[Dingle-Dingle]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'?
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'?
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'?
The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the F*** do you want?'
'Aha!' he says....




"Ryanair".

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Lady Gaga spotted having a medical. Nothing to do with transfer deadline day; she's just not feeling herself.

I'm hearing that TP has tabled an £11m bid for Uruguay's Fray Bentos.

Harry Rednapp will make a big purchase today guaranteed. A new conservatory, a ride-on mower… whatever. He will buy something. For old times’ sake.

DD