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Surprise your Girlfriend this Valentines day............

Introduce her to your wife.

DD

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Without the drinking and the sex..............

Being an adult would be a waste of time.

DD

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A little 10 year old girl was walking, home, alone from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while he turns to her and says.....

"Hey there little girl.... Do you want to go for a ride??"

"NO!" says the little girl and carries on walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up along side her again and says. "I`ll give you £10 if you hop on the back".

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up alongside the girl again and says....

"OK Kid. My last offer. I`ll give you £20 and a big bag of sweets if you will hop on the back of my bike and we go for a ride"

The little girl stops, turns towards him and screams out........

"Look Dad, your`e the one who bought the Honda, instead of a Harley..... YOU RIDE IT!!"

DD

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And, of course, if you're a security guard at a Premier league ground... lock your doors.

Otherwise, you'll find Peter Odemwingie kipping on your plush reception sofa in the morning. The one next to the fax machine.

DD

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I visited a fortune teller a couple of days ago. She told me I would come into money.......

Tonight I met a girl called Penny in the pub.....

Spooky or what.? DD

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One day, long ,long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and just one day. DD

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In the 18th-century a vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."
He knocked. The Innkeepers wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least use your privvy?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D`ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

DD

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A young Japanese girl was trained customarily by her mother that after marriage she should always please her husband and never annoy him.
Well, after first night of their wedding, in the morning the girl got out of the bed after making intense love the night before.
She bent down the pick up her husband's clothes off the floor, and uncontrollably let out a big fart.
Ashamedly she looked up towards husband and said:,"Ahhs me so sowrwy... excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

DD

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Was in the pub tonight with the Missus and she said....... "Look at that drunk bloke"

I said "Who is he??"

She said "Before I met you...... He proposed to me.. I rejected him!"

I said........... "Oh My God......... He`s still celebrating......... "

DD

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Aynuk met with Ayli for their usual sunday morning pint and Aynuk could sense Ayli wasn't his usual self..."Whassup wi yow this morning? Yove gorra fairce like a pon o' lard"
"Ess the missus" sez Ayli "Er ay very plaised,in fact er ay spakin ter me"
"Yow count yerself lucky" sez Aynuk."Sum blokes ud ge there right arm for a ooman like that.Woz dun?"
"Well" sez Ayli "I woz gerrin meself ready ter goo to the dogs Friday night when er ad a right goo at me" "Off out again aye yer? Monday yow went darting,Tuesday it was crib,Wednesday it was poker and last night it woz dominoes.Tomorrer night yow con get washed and changed,yome tekkin me out so book a tearble somewhere"
"Oh arr " sez Aynuk, "Day er enjiye it?"
" Wairst o' time "sez Ayli "Er day pot a ball all night!"

DD