Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
A man goes to the doctor and has to wait while the receptionist, who looks like a bulldog, finishes a personal phonecall. He tuts and harrumphs and glares at her till she hangs up.
"How can I help you?" she asks coldly.
"I'm here for my 10 o'clock appointment," the man said.
Thinking she'll get her own back for his impatience, the receptionist said loudly, "Oh tha's right, Mr Smith, you're here to see doctor about your IMPOTENCE problem, aren't you?"
Everyone in the waiting room turned to stare.
The man drew himself to his full height and said, "No, actually I'm here about a sex change, but I don't want to see the same doctor who did yours!"
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
A man with twelve months to live gets a visit from God and is told that he could live a little longer if he gives up drinking, smoking and sex.
The man admits that it would be difficult but would try his best and God agrees to visit again in two months time. On his next visit, God asks "How are you getting on"?
The man replies "Very well my Lord. I've quit the smoking and the drinking but last week the wife bent over to reach into the freezer and I couldn't help but take her up the arse".
"They don't approve of that sort of thing in Heaven" said the Lord.
To which the man replied "They aint too keen in Tesco either"
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
Had to go to the doctor´s the other day.
He asked, "What do you drink?"
I said," For a better digestion, i drink beer, in case of appetite loss i drink white wine
In the case of low blood pressure i drink red wine.
And in the case of high pressure i drink Schnapps.
The doc said, "So when do you drink water?"
I said, "Ive never been that sick before."
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 3,621
Threads: 77
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
5
One afternoon a senior banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the banker said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."
"Bring them along," the banker replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the banker answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the banker and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The banker replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming banker story???
Dingle-Dingle likes this post
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
08-01-2016, 23:32
(This post was last modified: 08-01-2016, 23:32 by Dingle-Dingle.)
What do you say to a Vile supporter with a good looking woman on his arm??
Nice tattoo. DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
A Villa fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Villa shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a West Brom scarf.
"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Villa fans in heaven."
"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Villa fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Villa supporter.
"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Syrian orphans."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now xxxx off."
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
I said to the G/F over dinner, "Did you know that in some cultures, women do all the housework?"
She said, "And did you know that in some cultures, BJ`s don't exist?"
I said "if you need me, I'll be in the kitchen washing up"
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
No woman, said one man, scornfully, can keep a secret.
I don’t know about that, answered a blonde woman guest.
I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.
You’ll let it out some day, the man insisted.
I hardly think so responded the blonde lady.
When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.
DD
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
If your woman ever tells you..... "You`re right".
That`s called SARCASM.
DD 
Ubique.
Posts: 5,456
Threads: 69
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation:
6
Ego and Super-Ego walk into a bar.
Bartender says..... "I`m going to have to see some Id".
DD 
Ubique.
|
