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A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.
For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things ... chickens, cows, crops, etc.
After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go out shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in tow.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs"
DD 
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The G/F told me to get our Ginger son ready for his 1st day at school. So I punched him in the face and took his dinner money. DD 
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I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard 3 onions singing a Bee Gee`s song.
But when I opened the door, it was just the chives talking.
DD 
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Some days I'm top dog, most days I'm just the lamp post.
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One day a mouse was walking on the banks of a river that ran through the jungle. He saw a Hippopotamus in the water and shouted to the Hippopotamus, "Hey you, come out of the water onto this bank, NOW".
The Hippopotamus lumbered onto the bank as requested.
The mouse then said, "OK, you can get back in the water now".
The mouse continued walking along the bank until he came upon a lion having a little dip in the river. The mouse shouted across to the lion, "Hey you, up here, on this bank now!".
The lion was a little concerned about this 'jumped up' mouse giving him orders but he complied and climbed up onto the bank.
The mouse then said, "OK, you can get back into the water now".
The lion shrugged and returned to the river.
The mouse continued his trip along the banks of the river until he came across an elephant having a good old soak. The mouse shouted to the elephant. "Hey you, Mr. Elephant, up here on this bank now!".
The elephant lumbered out the water and was then told by the mouse to return to the water.
The elephant however was a little bit annoyed about having his soak disturbed so he said to the mouse, "What is going on? I've just seen you call the Hippopotamus, the lion and now me out of the water, why are you doing this?".
The mouse replied, "when I find out who stole my swimming trunks, I'll hurt him!!".
DD 
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Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."
DD 
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A father took his young son with him to the bank to take care of some transactions. Since it was lunchtime, and the bank branch was in the city, there were a number of business people in line ahead of them. The father dutifully got into the rope chutes to wait for the next available cashier.
Standing in front of them was a female executive type, wearing the latest in corporate fashion and carrying a leather briefcase with a matching leather purse slung over her shoulder. There was a pager clipped to the purse, and the woman was quite large.
After standing in line for a few minutes, the son, pointing to the woman ahead, remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest bum I have ever seen."
His father, surprised and embarrassed, chastised his son for saying things that might hurt someone else's feelings. "Ssshh, don't say things like that, it isn't nice."
A few minutes later, almost to the front of the line, the son again remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen."
The father, this time more sternly, replied, "Be quiet, we are almost done here. We'll talk about this when we get home."
Just at that moment, the woman's pager went off. beep..beep..beep..beep
With that the son yells, "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S REVERSING!!!"
DD 
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A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label **Viagra Extra Strength** and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's member is black and blue, mangled and chunks of skin are hanging off in some places.
In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"
The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
DD
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I was directing a stage version of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves". Just before the show was about to start, the back-up dwarf ran over and said, "Dave has pulled out of the show. I'm sorry, it's my fault. We had a fight."
"Well I hope you're Happy now," I replied.
DD
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While ordering a packet of biscuits from Waitrose online recently, I noticed that I needed to spend £75 to get free delivery.
So I ordered a second pack.
DD 
Ubique.
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