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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.
When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.
So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.
He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.
The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed.
"Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.
When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious.
"Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!

DD

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I think Bee`s teach us an important lesson.

You may be small, you may be tiny. But when your chasing somebody with a sharp object, people still run away from you. DD

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My Boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes."

I replied "I`m working at the moment, I`ll send you one later".

He replied "That was fantastic! Send me another one."

DD

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I might wake up early tomorrow and go running, but I may also win the lottery. The odds are about the same. DD

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I`m passing this on because it worked for me..........

A doctor on TV said in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start.

Since we could all use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I`d started but hadn`t finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Bailey`s, a butle of Wum, tha mainder of Valiuminum scriptins, an a box of Chocolatz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz woo need inner piss......... An tellum u lovem.

DD

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Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."
So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'"
So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here try these on."
She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said:
"Here, you try on mine."
He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants."
So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

DD

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Two elderly ladies were smoking cigarettes while waiting for a bus.
It started to rain, so one lady reached into her purse, took out a
condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it
that you put over your cigarette?"
The first old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the dry cigarette told her friend that she could
purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two ladies arrived downtown, the lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacists said he did, but was a little surprised that this elderly woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her,
"What size do you want?"
The lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

DD

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Monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.
Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off .

DD

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A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave.
The bartender tells him that he owes £8.
“But I already paid you. Don’t you remember?” says the customer.
“OK,” says the bartender, “if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.
The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep again replies, “OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”
The customer then heads outside and tells a friend how he too can get free drinks.
The third man hurries in and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened tonight.
Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had.
The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the — “
The man interrupts, “Don’t bother me with your troubles.
Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.

DD

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"In the 60's and 70's, people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal!..... DD