[Dingle-Dingle]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that.
But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying..?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.
I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ...
"Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so Good!”

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Panties................
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They are just overpriced wrapping paper.

   

DD    

[Dingle-Dingle]

Why did Sepp Blatter cross the road?......................................to get to the other bribe. DD    


Latest Fifa football computer game has bombed,every time gamers try to load it they get an error message "corrupt". DD    

[Dingle-Dingle]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed that it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Beefy and Bob were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a Pound a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn each had won a prize.
Bob won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Beefy won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the Neighbourhood bar for a couple of beers.
Beefy asked Bob how he liked his prize, to which Bob replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"
Bob asked Beefy, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Beefy. "I reckon I'm going to go back to toilet paper."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful. "Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Expert Witness
Aynuk,Ayli and their mate Marlene were witnesses to a robbery in Sedgley, so they were asked to go up to the police station to identify the suspect. The CID Sergeant said he would show them on the computer a photograph of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description.
After showing the photo to Marlene, he blanked the screen, then asked her how she would recognise the suspect. '' That's easy,'' she replied. ''He's only got one eye.''
The Officer was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!''
He then repeated the procedure for Aynuk and again asked how he would recognise him.
''Yow con see it a mile off mate, he's only got one earole, aye he''
''What is the matter with you people?!? I've told you once it is a profile shot! You are seeing him from a side view!''
The Sergeant then finally came to our Ayli again repeating the procedure, and said, ''How would you recognise the suspect? Now think about it before you give me a stupid answer, like those pair''
After viewing the photo, Ayli thought for a minute, then said, ''The blokes wearing contact lenses.''
This took the Sergeant by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contact lenses or not. He checked the database and looked at the report on the suspect. Sure enough, when the photograph was taken, the suspect was wearing contact lenses!
He went back to Ayli and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else saw that!''
''Well,'' said Ayli,
"Yes" said the Sergeant in anticipation''
Well, he cor wear glasses with only one eye and one ear, con he?''

With Thanks...

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

A man dies and goes to Hell.
The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter.
Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you.
They’ll go to heaven and you’ll take over until somebody switches with you.
So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped.
The second room has someone being burned by a torch.
The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman. "I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says.
He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I’ve found you’re replacement.”

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Little Johnny goes to see his Grandad, to ask him about his experiences of the war for a school history project.
After talking for ten minutes Grandad can see that Johnny is bored so to liven things up says

"If you promise not to tell your Grandmother and keep quiet I'll show you a bullet!"

"Wow" says Johnny, "You've got a real bullet?"

So Grandad show's little Johnny the bullet, after carefully inspecting it he turns to the old man and says

"do you have any other memorabilia?"

Grandad smiles and tells him "I've got a revolver."

"A REVOL..."

"SSHhhhh! Johnny, don't let your Grandmother hear." whispers Grandad.

"Sorry Grandad" replies the boy "I was excited. Where do you keep the revolver?"

"In my old artillery box with the grenades." smiles Grandad.

"GRE--" squeals the boy.

"Sshhhush lad," The old man warns, "your grandmother won't be happy about me showing you weapons."

"Can I see the grenades?"

"Yes" answers the old chap, pleased to have his grandson so interested, but still wary of his wife. "I suppose you'll want to see the the rifle too."

"A RIFLE!" Breathes the boy, "oh Grandad where is the rifle?"

"With the machine gun." Confesses the old man.

"A MAC... machine gun Grandad?" the boy states incredulously. "Where's the machine gun?"

The old man looks up and replies "In the loft behind the tank..."

"A xxxx TANK!"

DD