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I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."
DD 
Ubique.
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So they want to make a United States of Europe to save the Euro, with Germany in charge.
What a brilliant plan! Why did nobody think of that before?
DD 
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I woke up this morning and my G/F was out.
There was a note stuck to the fridge saying, 'I can't cope, it's clearly not working, I'm going to stay at my mums'.
I don't know what the fat thing is talking about, I just felt the milk and it's cold.
DD 
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Tesco have announced that they will be adding a new beer to their value real ale range.
Alongside the affordable Simply Golden Ale and the inexpensive Simply Dark, they're adding Simply Red, for when money's too tight to mention.
DD 
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Two women sitting in a cafe on Valentines day.
One says,, "Oh look, there´s my hubby with a great big bunch of flowers for me. Suppose I´ll have to spread my legs again."
"Why " asked her friend, "Have you not got a flower vase at home then?"
DD 
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I got my Valentines day card from MoonPig.
She hates it when I call her that.
DD 
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Here we are at the 100m Ladies final and, from left to right, it's:
No, no, yes, maybe, from behind, definitely not. DD 
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Whilst watching the Ireland v France 6 Nations game,I thought I would have
An Irish mixed grill, New potatoes,Roast potatoes,Boiled potatoes,
Mashed potatoes,Waffles and Hash browns.
With Chips.
DD
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Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...
Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is.Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Nebraska , remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his dick.
DD 
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I've always fancied Wild Swimming, Skydiving, Mountaineering and Polar expeditions.
After seeing the ads, I'm not sure whether to join the Army Reserves or just wear a tampon.
DD
Ubique.
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