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I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

   

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The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Beefy at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you are getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Wolverhampton......... DD

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Beefy was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .
He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
He replied, "That would be my wife."

DD

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Police in Wolverhampton today raided an estate and found an illegal greenhouse behind the local library growing Cannabis.
Locals were disgusted and said, "We are devastated. We did´nt even know we had a Library.!"

DD

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A gorilla is walking through the jungle, when it comes to a water hole, where a lion is having a drink.
The gorilla notices that the lions’ rear end is sticking up in the air, and, overcome by lust, the gorilla sneaks up on the unsuspecting lion, and has his wicked way.
When he finishes, he pushes the shocked lion into the water, and runs into the jungle.
He comes into a clearing, where a man wearing a pith helmet, sitting in a deckchair, reading a newspaper.
On seeing the gorilla, the man jumps up, throws the newspaper to the floor and knocking the deckchair over, runs panic stricken into the jungle. In the haste of his flight the pith helmet falls off and lands on the jungle floor, whereupon the gorilla puts the deckchair up, dons the pith helmet, sits down in the deckchair, and snatches up the newspaper.
At this precise moment, the enraged lion runs into the clearing and says,
“Have you seen a gorilla?”
The gorilla, his face hidden behind the newspaper says,
“You don’t mean the one who fukced the lion down by the waterhole?”
And the astonished lion blurted out.
“Bloody hell. It’s not in the fukcin' paper already is it???”

DD

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50 Shades of Beef.

Beefy and his Missus got frisky after watching that film.

That night in bed Beefy pleasured Mrs Beefy with a rather large cucumber. She had multiple orgasm`s and finally fell asleep in Beefy`s arms with a huge grin on her face.

2 Hours later Mr`s beef woke up screaming "Oh God OH God OOOOHHHH GODDDDD I`m coming".

Beefy was worried about this and tenderly asked her if she was OK.

Mrs Beef smiled and said "I`m ok dear....... I`t just the cucumber repeating on me."

DD

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I just hate making spelling mistakes. Two letters in the wrong place and your whole post is urined. DD

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I'm treating my G/F to a romantic dinner for Valentine's Day.
Soft, slow cooked pasta.
The finest petits pois.
Finely diced, soft soya flakes.
A beautiful chicken stock marinade.
Finely seasoned with fresh basil and mixed herbs.
Then I just tip in water to the fill line, add the soy sauce sachet and I'm done. You can`t beat a delicious pot noodle can ya ?!

DD

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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved a heart saying "Jerry loves Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back".

Sally said, "Finders keepers". She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armuored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile"

The coppers turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: " Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, " Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "OK We're out of here!"

DD

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I woke up this morning and said to my G/F "That was amazing last night, we're you faking it?"
"No" she replied "I really was asleep!"

DD