[Dingle-Dingle]

Got pulled over by traffic cops yesterday. The woman PC toddled up to the car and said "We have reason to believe you may have been drinking. Can you say the alphabet starting with M"?

I replied "Malphabet"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Today I learnt that the average person consumes 9 alcoholic drinks a week.

I also discovered that I`m above average.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers these days is fish and chips.

And i take that with a pinch of salt.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I said to the G/F "Why do you keep buying houseplants just to end up killing them"?

She replied "To remind YOU what I`m capable of"

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Once there was a wise old man, who told his wife nothing.

Because he was a wise old man.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

When I was a baby my parents used to bathe me in cheap Australian lager.

It wasn`t until I was 18 I realised I`d been fostered.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

"SHAG", funny word isn`t it.

To a carpet maker it`s a long pile rug.

To a smoker it`s a type of tobacco.

To an American it`s a dance.

To an Orinithologist it`s a bird.

And to you, ya ugly B`stard.........

It`s just a remote possibility.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

I was watching TV and G/F said "There`s a documentry about the clitoris on the red button"

I couldn`t find it.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

My mate Dave fell in Netherton reservoir and drowned.

I got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

It`s what he would have wanted.

DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

They say that when you are not looking you will find the love of your life.

Certainly true for me, but by then I`d run her over.

DD